Hope in a dream

I had a terrible dream last night. At the end of it I was standing next to a crevasse with my mom somewhere in the vast surroundings of the grand canyon. I had just told my mom to share a story with another person who was there and as she was preparing to do so she stepped back accidentally in to the deep, unending depths of the crevasse. I watched in horror the look on her face as she realized that she would be gone forever in this world. I tried to grab her but it was too late. The darkness swallowed her whole. Out of my core rose a cry I've never experienced before. A deep, guttural moan came raging forth. She was gone. Vanished. Forever in this world. As I awoke I realized right away that it was a dream but the anguish continued. I couldn't catch my breath, I cried, I moaned. It seemed all too unbearable. Yet, in actuality I had lost nothing. Every time I closed my eyes I saw her still face, cut with grief knowing that we would be separated forever. I couldn't go back to sleep.

Now, I am sitting on my back porch watching the sunrise, basking in the life that I have been graciously given. Tears continue to stream down my face because I am grateful that my mom is still here.

But, the reality is. One day she will not be here. And one day I will not be here. So, my contemplation this morning comes from that depth of ache and sorrow and stillness. Sitting here in this weather torn rocking chair, looking over the horizon at the glory of the sunrise with the promise that it will shed it's rays on my depleted body. The sun is peaking through the trees daring me to stand boldly and display the light of the world to those in darkness.

For I was once in darkness and my dream so quickly reminded me that darkness can quickly and easily cover our human souls. But, the truth is, my hope, my circumstances, my dreams, my fears, they do not lie in man. So, as sad and heartbreaking as it would be to lose my one and only mother may I dare to say that my hope would remain in the fact that we have a great Savior. One who commands the sun to rise and fall. One who gave me eyes to see and experience the glory of my surroundings.

I was lead to Psalm 84 this morning.

"How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of hosts! My soul longs, YES, faints for the courts of the Lord; my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God. Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young, at your altars, O Lord of hosts, Blessed are those who dwell in your house, ever singing your praise! Blessed are those whose strength is in you, in whose heart are the highways to Zion. As they go through the Valley of Baca they make it a place of springs; the early rain also covers it with pools. They go from strength to strength; each one appears before God in Zion. O Lord God of hosts, hear my prayer; give ear, O God of Jacob! Behold our shield, O God; look on the face of your anointed! FOR A DAY IN YOUR COURTS IS BETTER THAN A THOUSAND ELSEWHERE. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness. For the Lord God is a SUN AND SHIELD; No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly. O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!"

May God grant you and me and those who trust in him the blessing of living from strength to strength. May his glory shine from our lives, not only receiving his grace and mercy but sharing that good news with those who have seen their lives fall in to the depths, the dark chasm of life. Arise, there is a hope. His name is Jesus. Let all who thirst come and drink deeply of the Son.

solidarity

i sat in front of my computer for 3 hours today watching the cursor blink over and over... and over again, taunting me in a blank stare as if to say, "i dare you." hands hovered over the keys i couldn't make the first strike. i couldn't move. i couldn't breathe. the silence in the house was deafening, or was that the organized chaos of thoughts running through my head? extremely frustrated and full of rage for my lack of ability to simply type coherent sentences of what i was feeling i knew i had to move and move quickly. it was a choice to take action. i chose to drive. 

not knowing where i was going i started driving down 280 at 5 o'clock. i found myself headed towards a collection of old memories. driving through columbiana and on towards lay lake my thoughts started drifting to another time and another place. all the buildings have changed but i can remember how everything used to be. once a playground with teeter totters and swings now stands a new addition to a church. the dairy queen we frequented on our way to or from the lake is completely gone. not having been to our old stomping grounds in about ten years i wasn't quite sure that i would be able to find it. but not too much later i drove to what once was our family retreat. the trailer was gone but the dock on the water still the same. 

a little scared to be at a random spot in the woods by myself in the dark i hesitantly stepped out of the car and walked down the rotting wooden stairs to the dock that has been wasting away for years. i stood for a while taking in the scenery. looking from the tall silent trees across the water to the smooth murky pool below and then to the slats of wood directly beneath my feet... splintered, worn, tired and beaten by the elements over the past 30 years. i laid down with my back to the boards feeling one with the dock because my insides matched it's gnarly appearance. watching the stars through my heated breath rising in the night air i allowed my mind to drift back to moments in my childhood i rarely let myself go. i don't know how long i was lying there with cold tears streaming down my face before i was jerked back in to reality by some creature rummaging around. i jumped up, keenly aware that i was utterly alone as my surroundings started to frighten me a bit. i began thinking of ridiculous scenarios that could play out. like, getting attacked by an alligator or shark. really, shannon, a shark??? but jaws has forever filled me with nonsensical anxiety around any body of water. then, fully freaked out, i ran to the top of the stairs and took a few seconds to gather my obviously defected mental clarity. 

in those moments it was clear to me that i could not go back to that spot again. that chapter of my life had closed a long time ago. over the years i have adequately grieved the loss of the family i see in glimpses of the past. it reminded me of a time in my early 20's going back to the neighborhood where the abuse began, standing on the rocky shoreline of the creek i used to play in. there i wept for the childhood that was stolen from me. and tonight, standing by the lake i said goodbye to the pain of those family memories knowing that it will never be necessary to return to that place. 

on the return trip i held out my hand to jesus asking him to take it, guide me and walk with me every step of the way. in a quiet whisper i felt him ask me if i trusted him. i said, no, i don't trust you but i desperately want to. i began praying, which i realized i had not done in quite some time. at least not for myself. i repented and kept holding out my hand, as if he were holding it, all the way home. 

over the past 5 months i have stood on the ground of a different shore. the earth solid beneath my feet. but the past week has shaken the solidarity i thought had been established in my thought patterns. i am terrified of shifting in to the death grip of satan again. come lord jesus. guard my heart. fight for me as i fight for myself. 

crosses

Soaked in grace

I've just come in from running in the rain, soaked from head to toe. For fear that I might forget the feeling that is seeping through my veins, I am writing, drenched in the water that God has poured out from the heavens on our land. I walked out the door this morning while it was just a light drizzle and as I walked the rain started to come down harder. I had to laugh and I think I smiled most of the 45 minutes, hands lifted in praise to my God because the feeling of his grace is coming back again. Not that feelings is what we should trust, but he has created everything in my being. Therefore my feelings are authentic and freely flowing right now. 

The past 6 months have been a struggle in every way. At this very moment I can see somewhat clearly through the haze in the air. God never said this life would be easy, but he does say that we will NEVER walk alone. So, this morning was a wonderful renewal of my mind as I ran with him soaking in his grace. 

Bama what??

This is painful to talk about, but I have to get it out...

I have an Alabama sticker on my car! Yes, you read it right. I made a bet with a friend of my before the Auburn/Alabama game. If Auburn won she was going to have to wear my Auburn t-shirt from Sunday to Tuesday. If AL won... well, they did... so, she came and put an Bama sticker OVER my Auburn sticker on the back of my car. For 2 weeks... UUGGGGHHHH!! What was I thinking having some sort of faith in my team. Even though there is crimson and white on my car I am still an Auburn fan through and through. War Eagle.

As I was thinking about putting those awful colors on my car today and I got motivated to do something outside. In my fury I blew the leaves for 2 1/2 hours! Who knew there were so many leaves in a yard. But, it looks glorious... until tomorrow. When I was placing the leaves in the trash bags I had a moment of spiritual clarity and began praying about the leaves. No, I am not crazy, God just speaks to me in small ways because it is the only way that my finite mind can comprehend his magnitude. I was imagining that the leaves were my sin; my shortcomings; my pride; my downfalls; my inability to understand who He is. Each scoop of leaves was a way to realize that my stuff is in the trash. As much as Satan wants me to hold on and keep my heart covered I need to continue to throw the leaves in the bag. Even though tomorrow they will show up again and stain the surface I will continue to repent, believe and fight. I'm thankful for the little things in life that give me clarity on cloudy and cold days.

My life as a movie...

The Soundtrack to my life according to my itunes...

Opening Credits:
"Ride across the river" --Dire Straits

Waking Up:
"be lifted" --David Crowder Band

First day at school:
"Oh, look at me now"-- Frank Sinatra

Falling in Love:
"Man of constant sorrow"-- O, brother where art thou

Fight song:
"Immortal, Invisible"-- Laura Story

Breaking up:
"Yellow"-- Coldplay

Prom night:
"Hymn"-- Brook Fraser

Life:
"Sparks Fly"-- David Crowder Band

Mental Breakdown:
"Flake"--Jack Johnson

Driving:
"There is nothing"--Laura Story

Flashback:
"Let you down"-- Dave Matthews

Getting back together:
"I will boast"-- Paul Baloche

Wedding:
"When we dance"--Sting (I promise i didn't cheat)

Birth of a child:
"Stop and stare" -- One republic

Final Battle:
"Cordova"-- Indigo Girls

Funeral Song:
"Same"-- Snow Patrol

Final Credits:
"Waffle House"-- David Wilcox ha ha

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

So, here’s how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend your cool… and alot of the songs fit with the setting

Have fun.

Tagged

This was the closest I could get... I was tagged by my friend Julie to post a picture from my photos, taking the fourth picture from the fourth folder in my pictures. I didn't have a fourth picture in the fourth or fifth folder so I had to take it from the third folder... close enough.

This photo is when Julie, Whitney and I went downtown to take our homeless friend a birthday cake. We have become quite close to our new friend LaTonya and have enjoyed getting to know her and hear her story. I have been so privileged to be a part of the homeless ministry with our singles group from OMPC. It has engaged my heart to realize the sufferings of others (whether self induced or not). And it has opened my eyes to be more compassionate to those who may not even deserve it. Because, after all, none of us deserve the compassion of Christ yet we are given it freely. We all to some degree self induce our own pain and suffering at times. So we are no better than they.

Tomorrow being Thanksgiving I am truly thankful for the homeless ministry and the lives that it touches even though we may not think so at the time. We are required to be the hands and feet of Jesus and I am glad this is one way we can do that.

So, now that I have been tagged... I'm tagging Robin, Emalee, Penny and Leilani. Come on... don't let me down! :)