I just wrote a blog about this past Sunday, but erased it...don't know that it made much sense about what's going on in my head right now.
I was just listening to Jill Philips and then it changed to John Denver...which brings a bitter-sweet feeling. It brings back one of the very few memories I have of my parents being together...driving up Hwy 31, near brookwood, in the wood paneled station wagon listening to his greatest hits on the 8 track. It's not that I miss that...it's just that I hate that is one of the very few memories I have of them being together in the same space. When I say few...I literally mean two. And that makes me sad. But listening to John Denver also soothes my soul in some way. I remember during a lot of very bad days in high school I would curl up on my bed in my room and listen to him all afternoon. Listening to music was one of the ways I made it through those days.
There is so much more to the thoughts in my head behind John Denver, but in fear that I might say something that I regret...I will go to bed. I have no idea how many people read this blog ( I really think it's only a handful). But, just in case...I'm going to stop there.
Side note...Today more than any day being home from Uganda do I miss little Daniel sitting in my lap, watching him sleep, feeling his chest rise and fall...wow, I'm just making myself sad. I'm going to bed. Good night.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
On a Hard Day
"But this I call to mind"...
When family fails you, when friends disappoint, when this broken world doesn't give you want you want...
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never end. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I WILL HOPE IN HIM. The Lord is good to those who wait on him, to the soul that seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." Lam. 3:21-26
How often I forget that my hope is found in Christ alone...not in family, not in friends, not in anything that this world has to offer. Which makes me desire heaven more than ever before.
When family fails you, when friends disappoint, when this broken world doesn't give you want you want...
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never end. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I WILL HOPE IN HIM. The Lord is good to those who wait on him, to the soul that seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." Lam. 3:21-26
How often I forget that my hope is found in Christ alone...not in family, not in friends, not in anything that this world has to offer. Which makes me desire heaven more than ever before.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Go figure
Today I was peeling peaches for a dessert for the restaurant. I was about to peel the last bit off this peach when I realized that it looked just like Africa! I mean...I keep clicking in between a map of Africa and this peach and I promise it is almost identical! GOD IS RIDICULOUS!!!
Friday, July 18, 2008
It was a pancake kind of day
So, pulling myself out of bed this morning was a little rough. I have not gotten more than 6 hours of sleep a night in over a week(been averaging about 4). Why? Because I won't go to bed. For some reason I think that if I stay up later, then work won't come. Like I can stretch time out or something. Crazy thinking.
By the time I got to work and clocked in at 5:19 I was feeling better. But by 6am I was good and starting to wonder what was wrong with me. I actually felt okay with being there...like "okay, today doesn't feel meaningless." The restaurants have not been very busy lately so there isn't much to do around the kitchen. I mean, there's stuff I could do, but who wants to work at work!?! So, on days like that I will make pancakes for the kitchen. And..."if you give a pig a pancake...she'll want some syrup to go with it."
Dolester(my boss), Geraldine(a line cook), Kate(co-worker) and I sat around, ate our pancakes with syrup and drank our milk. Life was good...and funny. I do believe that black ladies just have more fun. Today was no exception. They cracked me up with their lingo and continued to make fun of the white girls...which is even funnier if you try to talk like them in front of them. They got up from their stools and headed back towards the kitchen while I still sat and asked where they were going...like I didn't know. Geri replied with, "gurl, get yo ass up and do sumpum!" I got the hint. The morning continued and time moved quickly, which is a small miracle in my book right now.
Towards the end of the day I had this Whitney Houston song stuck in my head and somehow that song lead into a conversation about Michael Jackson. I guess because they are both crazy and we just connected the two. Anyway, I stated that I do not like MJ at all and, whoa, you would've thought that I slapped Dol's momma or something. She reeled around and gasped...and then got really loud...which is generally what black ladies do when they get passionate about something. So, I gathered that she thought MJ was great in his day and my dislike for him was highly upsetting her. So I continued because it's so fun to push her buttons and then to hear how she responds. She told me, "I"m not even gonna start trippin over that wit chew," among other highly humorous sayings that got me rolling. I always try to remember what they say so I can repeat it later, but never can! Dang!! Nonetheless, it was hysterical and I almost laughed until I cried. That is a good day...and the first good day since returning to work on the 9th.
So, I'm at home after work and decide to watch 'The Bucket List.' I fell asleep during a small part, but when I woke up I got a little emotional and couldn't figure out why. Then the light turned on. I thought to myself that Morgan Freeman's nose looks a lot like sweet little Daniel's(the bus drivers son from Uganda) nose. And that made me really sad. I think I had tears in my eyes for the rest of the movie. But, it was a good movie. I recommend it.
Anyway, I got to thinking about why my day was good...it was the FIRST day since Uganda that I hadn't thought about Uganda at work. My feelings are torn about that. I want to have good days. But I also never want to forget about my time in Africa and I would rather there not be a day that goes by without me praying for them. Which leaves me to wonder...are pancake days worth it?
By the time I got to work and clocked in at 5:19 I was feeling better. But by 6am I was good and starting to wonder what was wrong with me. I actually felt okay with being there...like "okay, today doesn't feel meaningless." The restaurants have not been very busy lately so there isn't much to do around the kitchen. I mean, there's stuff I could do, but who wants to work at work!?! So, on days like that I will make pancakes for the kitchen. And..."if you give a pig a pancake...she'll want some syrup to go with it."
Dolester(my boss), Geraldine(a line cook), Kate(co-worker) and I sat around, ate our pancakes with syrup and drank our milk. Life was good...and funny. I do believe that black ladies just have more fun. Today was no exception. They cracked me up with their lingo and continued to make fun of the white girls...which is even funnier if you try to talk like them in front of them. They got up from their stools and headed back towards the kitchen while I still sat and asked where they were going...like I didn't know. Geri replied with, "gurl, get yo ass up and do sumpum!" I got the hint. The morning continued and time moved quickly, which is a small miracle in my book right now.
Towards the end of the day I had this Whitney Houston song stuck in my head and somehow that song lead into a conversation about Michael Jackson. I guess because they are both crazy and we just connected the two. Anyway, I stated that I do not like MJ at all and, whoa, you would've thought that I slapped Dol's momma or something. She reeled around and gasped...and then got really loud...which is generally what black ladies do when they get passionate about something. So, I gathered that she thought MJ was great in his day and my dislike for him was highly upsetting her. So I continued because it's so fun to push her buttons and then to hear how she responds. She told me, "I"m not even gonna start trippin over that wit chew," among other highly humorous sayings that got me rolling. I always try to remember what they say so I can repeat it later, but never can! Dang!! Nonetheless, it was hysterical and I almost laughed until I cried. That is a good day...and the first good day since returning to work on the 9th.
So, I'm at home after work and decide to watch 'The Bucket List.' I fell asleep during a small part, but when I woke up I got a little emotional and couldn't figure out why. Then the light turned on. I thought to myself that Morgan Freeman's nose looks a lot like sweet little Daniel's(the bus drivers son from Uganda) nose. And that made me really sad. I think I had tears in my eyes for the rest of the movie. But, it was a good movie. I recommend it.
Anyway, I got to thinking about why my day was good...it was the FIRST day since Uganda that I hadn't thought about Uganda at work. My feelings are torn about that. I want to have good days. But I also never want to forget about my time in Africa and I would rather there not be a day that goes by without me praying for them. Which leaves me to wonder...are pancake days worth it?
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Sharing
Hmmm...I was just asked to think about sharing about my trip to Uganda in sunday school this week. That doesn't give me a lot of time to prepare and honestly I don't even know what I would say. I mean, I feel like I know what God is teaching me through the trip, but those teachings started a LONG time before the trip. How would I explain that in such a short time!?! I don't know...it's not like it's a huge decision, but it could be good. I'm just not the greatest talker.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Latonya Renee Smothers
Coming back from Uganda was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. It was only an 11 day trip, but so much happened and I'm not sure that I have fully processed it all. Don't get me wrong...I was ready to come home! But normalcy is killing me. I have conflicting emotions about what is next for me. I'm dying to just live and breath among family and friends and to be comfortable in my every day life, but at the same time my soul longs to do something meaningful. I feel like my job is meaningless. I mean...I make pastries. How is that advancing the kingdom of God in this broken world!?! It is obviously where God wants me right now, but it just sucks! I'm good at what I do, but there's no passion in it for me...no drive to be an amazing pastry chef or to even move up the chain in the restaurant. When I came back from my trip I was supposed to move to a different restaurant, but I don't even want to mention it because I know my heart is not fully here and it would not be fully in the job. It's going to take a lot of work to transition down to the other restaurant...and frankly...I just don't want to put my energy in to it. So for now I'm going to try and keep that on the DL.
Once a month the singles group at OMPC goes to feed the homeless at Linn Park. Last month was my first experience with that in Birmingham. It's a lot different than going in Las Vegas, but you still have the same people...lost and broken. Going to Uganda just changed the way that I see everything in life. Now...serving others is just a necessity. I'm not sayin' it's easy. I just feel a lot more drawn to do it now. I mentioned in my journal from Uganda that holding and loving the children was so easy to do there...it was more like Jesus was holding me through them. I feel like I am learning more about Jesus through touching, loving and hanging out with the forgotten, the fatherless and the unloved.
I NEVER thought I would say that I was looking forward to serving the homeless...I think it felt more like a chore to me...like it's my duty as a Christian so that was my only motivation. This past week...I was truly excited about going. And now I am not afraid to dive deeper and begin to invest my heart into their lives. It's easier to love "the least of these" when you realize that you are no better than any one of them. God has so generously blessed me and it is my privilege to try and bless another. When you invest in them, in return, God blesses you. It's a win win situation on most days!
Julie and I got the chance to hang out with one of the ladies...Latonya Renee Smothers. It's easier for me to talk to them with Julie because she seems to have more of the right words to say. Latonya cracked us up, threatened to "fork" us, and would only take the water bottles with the squeezy top. They are pretty picky, but you know, I probably would be too. Latonya grew up in DHR and now her 3 living children are all in the system too. I can't remember their crazy names but they all have Renee as their middle names and each one has a different "baby daddy." She's had a hard life and I can only call to mind and hope in Christ that his steadfast love will never cease for her. And when I don't ever have the right words to say...that he would speak to her through our touch, abounding in love because he first loved us.
Peaches...we need to go visit our friend! :)
Once a month the singles group at OMPC goes to feed the homeless at Linn Park. Last month was my first experience with that in Birmingham. It's a lot different than going in Las Vegas, but you still have the same people...lost and broken. Going to Uganda just changed the way that I see everything in life. Now...serving others is just a necessity. I'm not sayin' it's easy. I just feel a lot more drawn to do it now. I mentioned in my journal from Uganda that holding and loving the children was so easy to do there...it was more like Jesus was holding me through them. I feel like I am learning more about Jesus through touching, loving and hanging out with the forgotten, the fatherless and the unloved.
I NEVER thought I would say that I was looking forward to serving the homeless...I think it felt more like a chore to me...like it's my duty as a Christian so that was my only motivation. This past week...I was truly excited about going. And now I am not afraid to dive deeper and begin to invest my heart into their lives. It's easier to love "the least of these" when you realize that you are no better than any one of them. God has so generously blessed me and it is my privilege to try and bless another. When you invest in them, in return, God blesses you. It's a win win situation on most days!
Julie and I got the chance to hang out with one of the ladies...Latonya Renee Smothers. It's easier for me to talk to them with Julie because she seems to have more of the right words to say. Latonya cracked us up, threatened to "fork" us, and would only take the water bottles with the squeezy top. They are pretty picky, but you know, I probably would be too. Latonya grew up in DHR and now her 3 living children are all in the system too. I can't remember their crazy names but they all have Renee as their middle names and each one has a different "baby daddy." She's had a hard life and I can only call to mind and hope in Christ that his steadfast love will never cease for her. And when I don't ever have the right words to say...that he would speak to her through our touch, abounding in love because he first loved us.
Peaches...we need to go visit our friend! :)
Friday, July 11, 2008
Extraordinary
Interesting that, today, I found this. I wrote it a few months ago. Good to know that God uses my own writing to remind me of how much he loves me.
May 27, 2008
Living in a land of ordinaries is no home for me. It may sound trite or arrogant, but God has made me extraordinary. I know this because I have experienced his love for me. Over and over again he pours out his grace...sometimes I believe and receive. Other times I turn my back and walk away. But, always, there in the same place stands a God that believes I am extraordinary. He calls through the wind or a word or a song. And when I have ears to hear it is a soothing stream of water that washes over my dry soul. My soul longs for a distant land. One that is so unfamiliar yet it feels like home. My heart yearns for a fatherless people to share the depths of God’s faithfulness, love and grace. I am extraordinary because he has made me extraordinary.
Father, use me. I am yours. Here am I...send me. I know the pains and the hurts of this broken world. This world was never meant for ordinary fathers to leave extraordinary children. In your name let me be a light to the forgotten, a hope for the weary and love to the broken hearted. Here am I...send me.
May 27, 2008
Living in a land of ordinaries is no home for me. It may sound trite or arrogant, but God has made me extraordinary. I know this because I have experienced his love for me. Over and over again he pours out his grace...sometimes I believe and receive. Other times I turn my back and walk away. But, always, there in the same place stands a God that believes I am extraordinary. He calls through the wind or a word or a song. And when I have ears to hear it is a soothing stream of water that washes over my dry soul. My soul longs for a distant land. One that is so unfamiliar yet it feels like home. My heart yearns for a fatherless people to share the depths of God’s faithfulness, love and grace. I am extraordinary because he has made me extraordinary.
Father, use me. I am yours. Here am I...send me. I know the pains and the hurts of this broken world. This world was never meant for ordinary fathers to leave extraordinary children. In your name let me be a light to the forgotten, a hope for the weary and love to the broken hearted. Here am I...send me.
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