selfish joy?

I just woke up from a long nap in a very somber mood. I was a little confused, first thinking that I needed to get up for work (which made me very angry) then I realized that it was raining outside so I can't go play tennis tonight. That made me sad and a little frustrated because that means until tomorrow morning at 5 I am completely alone. And that in itself scares the mess out of me. I'm usually not one to be threatened by being alone. I actually like it. But, since being home from Uganda I crave others to be present. Which I don't think is a bad thing in theory... but, recently I have noticed that I am using others presence as a buffer between me and God. I'm still praying a lot (at least...a lot for me), but I don't seem to be sitting at His feet, knowing that He is God, meditating on His love and believing that He has a purpose for my life. And again, right this very minute, I am avoiding His presence...blogging instead of spending time with him. So, right now I feel very uncomfortable to be alone.

After waking up frazzled I realized that there were some pictures from Uganda that I hadn't looked at yet. While looking through the pictures I couldn't get past the joy that seems to be exuding from my face. Even though I know exactly what was going through my head during each one of the pictures I still seem to be content and joyful amidst my physical turmoil. Then I was struck with the thought that I have not felt that joy and contentment since being in Africa. Now, I know that my joy should not be found in circumstances or community or a job or anything other than Christ alone. But, being there, holding the hands of the people and the children, I felt like my life had purpose. It is so hard to see through the mud and the muck in my everyday life to find purpose and meaning.

Tomorrow is our monthly feed the homeless ministry at Linn Park with the singles group. It is the one thing that I have been looking forward to all week. It is there, like in Africa, where I feel God's purpose for my life playing out in my heart. Maybe it's just that I want to build myself up through my good deeds or maybe it is a true yearning to feel the heart of God once more. I don't know whether it's selfish or not, but I will enjoy it...God touches me through those people.

My favorite song right now is a song by Brooke Fraser. I'm always affected and deeply moved by words in songs... which causes a lot of contemplation in my head. Listen to it if you get a chance.

Arithmetic

I've been staring at the sky tonight

Marvelling and passing time

Wondering what to do with daylight

Until I can make you mine

You are the one I want, you are the one I want

I've been thinking of changing my mind

It never stays the same for long

But of all the things I know for sure

You're the only certain one

You are the one I want, you are the one I want

I've been counting up all my wrongs

One sorry for each star

See I'd apologise my way to you

If the heavens stretched that far

You are the one I want, you are the one I want

[Chorus]I won't find what I am looking for

If I only "see" by keeping score

'Cause I know now you are so much more than arithmetic

'Cause if I add, if I subtract

If I give it all, try to take some back

I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact

That you are the sum

So you are the oneI want

When the years are showing on my face

And my strongest days are gone

When my heart and flesh depart this place

From a life that sung your song

You'll still be the one I want

You'll still be the one I want

You'll still be the one I want

You'll still be the one I want

I hope and pray that He will ALWAYS be the one I want... REAL, TRUE, JOY.