I just wrote a blog about this past Sunday, but erased it...don't know that it made much sense about what's going on in my head right now.
I was just listening to Jill Philips and then it changed to John Denver...which brings a bitter-sweet feeling. It brings back one of the very few memories I have of my parents being together...driving up Hwy 31, near brookwood, in the wood paneled station wagon listening to his greatest hits on the 8 track. It's not that I miss that...it's just that I hate that is one of the very few memories I have of them being together in the same space. When I say few...I literally mean two. And that makes me sad. But listening to John Denver also soothes my soul in some way. I remember during a lot of very bad days in high school I would curl up on my bed in my room and listen to him all afternoon. Listening to music was one of the ways I made it through those days.
There is so much more to the thoughts in my head behind John Denver, but in fear that I might say something that I regret...I will go to bed. I have no idea how many people read this blog ( I really think it's only a handful). But, just in case...I'm going to stop there.
Side note...Today more than any day being home from Uganda do I miss little Daniel sitting in my lap, watching him sleep, feeling his chest rise and fall...wow, I'm just making myself sad. I'm going to bed. Good night.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
On a Hard Day
"But this I call to mind"...
When family fails you, when friends disappoint, when this broken world doesn't give you want you want...
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never end. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I WILL HOPE IN HIM. The Lord is good to those who wait on him, to the soul that seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." Lam. 3:21-26
How often I forget that my hope is found in Christ alone...not in family, not in friends, not in anything that this world has to offer. Which makes me desire heaven more than ever before.
When family fails you, when friends disappoint, when this broken world doesn't give you want you want...
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never end. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I WILL HOPE IN HIM. The Lord is good to those who wait on him, to the soul that seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." Lam. 3:21-26
How often I forget that my hope is found in Christ alone...not in family, not in friends, not in anything that this world has to offer. Which makes me desire heaven more than ever before.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Go figure
Today I was peeling peaches for a dessert for the restaurant. I was about to peel the last bit off this peach when I realized that it looked just like Africa! I mean...I keep clicking in between a map of Africa and this peach and I promise it is almost identical! GOD IS RIDICULOUS!!!
Friday, July 18, 2008
It was a pancake kind of day
So, pulling myself out of bed this morning was a little rough. I have not gotten more than 6 hours of sleep a night in over a week(been averaging about 4). Why? Because I won't go to bed. For some reason I think that if I stay up later, then work won't come. Like I can stretch time out or something. Crazy thinking.
By the time I got to work and clocked in at 5:19 I was feeling better. But by 6am I was good and starting to wonder what was wrong with me. I actually felt okay with being there...like "okay, today doesn't feel meaningless." The restaurants have not been very busy lately so there isn't much to do around the kitchen. I mean, there's stuff I could do, but who wants to work at work!?! So, on days like that I will make pancakes for the kitchen. And..."if you give a pig a pancake...she'll want some syrup to go with it."
Dolester(my boss), Geraldine(a line cook), Kate(co-worker) and I sat around, ate our pancakes with syrup and drank our milk. Life was good...and funny. I do believe that black ladies just have more fun. Today was no exception. They cracked me up with their lingo and continued to make fun of the white girls...which is even funnier if you try to talk like them in front of them. They got up from their stools and headed back towards the kitchen while I still sat and asked where they were going...like I didn't know. Geri replied with, "gurl, get yo ass up and do sumpum!" I got the hint. The morning continued and time moved quickly, which is a small miracle in my book right now.
Towards the end of the day I had this Whitney Houston song stuck in my head and somehow that song lead into a conversation about Michael Jackson. I guess because they are both crazy and we just connected the two. Anyway, I stated that I do not like MJ at all and, whoa, you would've thought that I slapped Dol's momma or something. She reeled around and gasped...and then got really loud...which is generally what black ladies do when they get passionate about something. So, I gathered that she thought MJ was great in his day and my dislike for him was highly upsetting her. So I continued because it's so fun to push her buttons and then to hear how she responds. She told me, "I"m not even gonna start trippin over that wit chew," among other highly humorous sayings that got me rolling. I always try to remember what they say so I can repeat it later, but never can! Dang!! Nonetheless, it was hysterical and I almost laughed until I cried. That is a good day...and the first good day since returning to work on the 9th.
So, I'm at home after work and decide to watch 'The Bucket List.' I fell asleep during a small part, but when I woke up I got a little emotional and couldn't figure out why. Then the light turned on. I thought to myself that Morgan Freeman's nose looks a lot like sweet little Daniel's(the bus drivers son from Uganda) nose. And that made me really sad. I think I had tears in my eyes for the rest of the movie. But, it was a good movie. I recommend it.
Anyway, I got to thinking about why my day was good...it was the FIRST day since Uganda that I hadn't thought about Uganda at work. My feelings are torn about that. I want to have good days. But I also never want to forget about my time in Africa and I would rather there not be a day that goes by without me praying for them. Which leaves me to wonder...are pancake days worth it?
By the time I got to work and clocked in at 5:19 I was feeling better. But by 6am I was good and starting to wonder what was wrong with me. I actually felt okay with being there...like "okay, today doesn't feel meaningless." The restaurants have not been very busy lately so there isn't much to do around the kitchen. I mean, there's stuff I could do, but who wants to work at work!?! So, on days like that I will make pancakes for the kitchen. And..."if you give a pig a pancake...she'll want some syrup to go with it."
Dolester(my boss), Geraldine(a line cook), Kate(co-worker) and I sat around, ate our pancakes with syrup and drank our milk. Life was good...and funny. I do believe that black ladies just have more fun. Today was no exception. They cracked me up with their lingo and continued to make fun of the white girls...which is even funnier if you try to talk like them in front of them. They got up from their stools and headed back towards the kitchen while I still sat and asked where they were going...like I didn't know. Geri replied with, "gurl, get yo ass up and do sumpum!" I got the hint. The morning continued and time moved quickly, which is a small miracle in my book right now.
Towards the end of the day I had this Whitney Houston song stuck in my head and somehow that song lead into a conversation about Michael Jackson. I guess because they are both crazy and we just connected the two. Anyway, I stated that I do not like MJ at all and, whoa, you would've thought that I slapped Dol's momma or something. She reeled around and gasped...and then got really loud...which is generally what black ladies do when they get passionate about something. So, I gathered that she thought MJ was great in his day and my dislike for him was highly upsetting her. So I continued because it's so fun to push her buttons and then to hear how she responds. She told me, "I"m not even gonna start trippin over that wit chew," among other highly humorous sayings that got me rolling. I always try to remember what they say so I can repeat it later, but never can! Dang!! Nonetheless, it was hysterical and I almost laughed until I cried. That is a good day...and the first good day since returning to work on the 9th.
So, I'm at home after work and decide to watch 'The Bucket List.' I fell asleep during a small part, but when I woke up I got a little emotional and couldn't figure out why. Then the light turned on. I thought to myself that Morgan Freeman's nose looks a lot like sweet little Daniel's(the bus drivers son from Uganda) nose. And that made me really sad. I think I had tears in my eyes for the rest of the movie. But, it was a good movie. I recommend it.
Anyway, I got to thinking about why my day was good...it was the FIRST day since Uganda that I hadn't thought about Uganda at work. My feelings are torn about that. I want to have good days. But I also never want to forget about my time in Africa and I would rather there not be a day that goes by without me praying for them. Which leaves me to wonder...are pancake days worth it?
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Sharing
Hmmm...I was just asked to think about sharing about my trip to Uganda in sunday school this week. That doesn't give me a lot of time to prepare and honestly I don't even know what I would say. I mean, I feel like I know what God is teaching me through the trip, but those teachings started a LONG time before the trip. How would I explain that in such a short time!?! I don't know...it's not like it's a huge decision, but it could be good. I'm just not the greatest talker.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Latonya Renee Smothers
Coming back from Uganda was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. It was only an 11 day trip, but so much happened and I'm not sure that I have fully processed it all. Don't get me wrong...I was ready to come home! But normalcy is killing me. I have conflicting emotions about what is next for me. I'm dying to just live and breath among family and friends and to be comfortable in my every day life, but at the same time my soul longs to do something meaningful. I feel like my job is meaningless. I mean...I make pastries. How is that advancing the kingdom of God in this broken world!?! It is obviously where God wants me right now, but it just sucks! I'm good at what I do, but there's no passion in it for me...no drive to be an amazing pastry chef or to even move up the chain in the restaurant. When I came back from my trip I was supposed to move to a different restaurant, but I don't even want to mention it because I know my heart is not fully here and it would not be fully in the job. It's going to take a lot of work to transition down to the other restaurant...and frankly...I just don't want to put my energy in to it. So for now I'm going to try and keep that on the DL.
Once a month the singles group at OMPC goes to feed the homeless at Linn Park. Last month was my first experience with that in Birmingham. It's a lot different than going in Las Vegas, but you still have the same people...lost and broken. Going to Uganda just changed the way that I see everything in life. Now...serving others is just a necessity. I'm not sayin' it's easy. I just feel a lot more drawn to do it now. I mentioned in my journal from Uganda that holding and loving the children was so easy to do there...it was more like Jesus was holding me through them. I feel like I am learning more about Jesus through touching, loving and hanging out with the forgotten, the fatherless and the unloved.
I NEVER thought I would say that I was looking forward to serving the homeless...I think it felt more like a chore to me...like it's my duty as a Christian so that was my only motivation. This past week...I was truly excited about going. And now I am not afraid to dive deeper and begin to invest my heart into their lives. It's easier to love "the least of these" when you realize that you are no better than any one of them. God has so generously blessed me and it is my privilege to try and bless another. When you invest in them, in return, God blesses you. It's a win win situation on most days!
Julie and I got the chance to hang out with one of the ladies...Latonya Renee Smothers. It's easier for me to talk to them with Julie because she seems to have more of the right words to say. Latonya cracked us up, threatened to "fork" us, and would only take the water bottles with the squeezy top. They are pretty picky, but you know, I probably would be too. Latonya grew up in DHR and now her 3 living children are all in the system too. I can't remember their crazy names but they all have Renee as their middle names and each one has a different "baby daddy." She's had a hard life and I can only call to mind and hope in Christ that his steadfast love will never cease for her. And when I don't ever have the right words to say...that he would speak to her through our touch, abounding in love because he first loved us.
Peaches...we need to go visit our friend! :)
Once a month the singles group at OMPC goes to feed the homeless at Linn Park. Last month was my first experience with that in Birmingham. It's a lot different than going in Las Vegas, but you still have the same people...lost and broken. Going to Uganda just changed the way that I see everything in life. Now...serving others is just a necessity. I'm not sayin' it's easy. I just feel a lot more drawn to do it now. I mentioned in my journal from Uganda that holding and loving the children was so easy to do there...it was more like Jesus was holding me through them. I feel like I am learning more about Jesus through touching, loving and hanging out with the forgotten, the fatherless and the unloved.
I NEVER thought I would say that I was looking forward to serving the homeless...I think it felt more like a chore to me...like it's my duty as a Christian so that was my only motivation. This past week...I was truly excited about going. And now I am not afraid to dive deeper and begin to invest my heart into their lives. It's easier to love "the least of these" when you realize that you are no better than any one of them. God has so generously blessed me and it is my privilege to try and bless another. When you invest in them, in return, God blesses you. It's a win win situation on most days!
Julie and I got the chance to hang out with one of the ladies...Latonya Renee Smothers. It's easier for me to talk to them with Julie because she seems to have more of the right words to say. Latonya cracked us up, threatened to "fork" us, and would only take the water bottles with the squeezy top. They are pretty picky, but you know, I probably would be too. Latonya grew up in DHR and now her 3 living children are all in the system too. I can't remember their crazy names but they all have Renee as their middle names and each one has a different "baby daddy." She's had a hard life and I can only call to mind and hope in Christ that his steadfast love will never cease for her. And when I don't ever have the right words to say...that he would speak to her through our touch, abounding in love because he first loved us.
Peaches...we need to go visit our friend! :)
Friday, July 11, 2008
Extraordinary
Interesting that, today, I found this. I wrote it a few months ago. Good to know that God uses my own writing to remind me of how much he loves me.
May 27, 2008
Living in a land of ordinaries is no home for me. It may sound trite or arrogant, but God has made me extraordinary. I know this because I have experienced his love for me. Over and over again he pours out his grace...sometimes I believe and receive. Other times I turn my back and walk away. But, always, there in the same place stands a God that believes I am extraordinary. He calls through the wind or a word or a song. And when I have ears to hear it is a soothing stream of water that washes over my dry soul. My soul longs for a distant land. One that is so unfamiliar yet it feels like home. My heart yearns for a fatherless people to share the depths of God’s faithfulness, love and grace. I am extraordinary because he has made me extraordinary.
Father, use me. I am yours. Here am I...send me. I know the pains and the hurts of this broken world. This world was never meant for ordinary fathers to leave extraordinary children. In your name let me be a light to the forgotten, a hope for the weary and love to the broken hearted. Here am I...send me.
May 27, 2008
Living in a land of ordinaries is no home for me. It may sound trite or arrogant, but God has made me extraordinary. I know this because I have experienced his love for me. Over and over again he pours out his grace...sometimes I believe and receive. Other times I turn my back and walk away. But, always, there in the same place stands a God that believes I am extraordinary. He calls through the wind or a word or a song. And when I have ears to hear it is a soothing stream of water that washes over my dry soul. My soul longs for a distant land. One that is so unfamiliar yet it feels like home. My heart yearns for a fatherless people to share the depths of God’s faithfulness, love and grace. I am extraordinary because he has made me extraordinary.
Father, use me. I am yours. Here am I...send me. I know the pains and the hurts of this broken world. This world was never meant for ordinary fathers to leave extraordinary children. In your name let me be a light to the forgotten, a hope for the weary and love to the broken hearted. Here am I...send me.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Possibly my longest blog yet...and I'll be surprised if you make it all the way through
"Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's...
"He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust." - Psalm 103:1-5, 10-14
"It is striking to me that in these words there is very little for humans to do towards God. This passage is about how God acts towards us. I am called to fear him, receive his grace towards me, and praise him for who he is. This is great news for me because I know my spiritual and moral weakness all too well. I know that left to my own strength and efforts at goodness I am an utter failure. On my own I do indeed dwell in the pit of my own iniquity and spiritual sickness.
Yet I have hope because God is proactive in his love. He does not wait until I am able to do better. He knows that I am dust, that I am weak. And so he takes the initiative. This Psalm (like all mention of God's redemption of humans) makes God the sole agent in what we would call salvation. He alone is the one who forgives. He alone heals and redeems. He crowns, satisfies, and renews. I am not able to earn or effect these things, I can only receive them from his hand. This is my cause for hope; that God, knowing how weak and corrupt my heart is, doesn't deal with me according to my heart but according to his. "
--from the blog of Travis Scott (Transpacificism)
What a great picture of how God views and loves us. Travis and his wife are going to be missionaries in Auckland, New Zealand later this year. I've been following their story every since he came and shared at OMPC during the missions conference. There are many times that I want to join them in their cause, but right now I cannot imagine making a 24 hour plane ride just to visit home. I mean...the flight itself from LA to Auckland is 18 hours. I had a hard time sitting still for the 2 eight hour flights home from Africa.
Again...I have been up for a while this morning. I fell asleep around 12:30 last night and up at 4. I did decide to not go to work today. I know it is probably a bad decision, but I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted right now that it's hard to function in a work environment. I know I'm just putting off the inevitable, but maybe these few hours off will help my brain. I'm not sure that I realized how hard this trip would be for me. I know that I am pretty sensitive when it comes to heart issues, but I just didn't know the magnitude of how I would be affected.
I'm getting a little more excited about sharing pictures and stories and being able to articulate the thoughts in my head. But, not being able to fully do that right now...I'll just share one of my journal entries from the trip.
July 5th--
Julie has given me note cards with a verse on them for each day of the trip...here is the VOD--"Great and amazing are your deeds, O Lord God the Almighty! Just and true are your ways, O King of the nations! Who will not fear, O Lord, and glorify your name? For you alone are holy. All nations will come and worship you, for your righteous acts have been revealed." Rev. 15:3-4
10 Things I will miss about this trip...
1. Being Peaches roommate and spending so much time with her
2. Having Rebecca next door and getting to hear her laugh
3. Walking out to breakfast and commenting on how beautiful the tree outside the door is
4. TL, logistics and sarcastic comments
5. Scott coming in our room every night marking off how many nights are left here at Lweza
6. Conversations and laughter in B29
7. Holding the children
8.The simplicity of life and faith
9. Riding on the bus, seeing the sights that put my life into perspective--while holding Daniel
10. Feeling the love of my God through the people
~I've loved rooming with Julie over this trip. I have laughed more in the past 10 days than I have in a very long time!
This morning one of our teammates is sick, so I volunteered to stay back and take care of her. I honestly was excited because I didn't have to sit through clinics one last day! I thought I might get a chance to update my blog but it is Saturday and the administration area of the camp is closed. So, this time has been good to just meditate over the past week, journal and thank God for this experience.~
~We got to go shopping in Kampala this afternoon. I guess the best way to describe the city life in Kampala is a 3rd world New York City. There are no lines on the streets to mark lanes. There are people EVERYWHERE. Taxi's and bota-bota's(motorbikes) rule the road. If you can find a spot for your vehicle to fit in to then you can go there. No rules...even working stoplights don't mean anything. The whole city is covered in garbage...a lot of it burning. I guess there's no garbage pick up on Tuesday's and Friday's here! :)
We shopped in two markets searching for items to take back to friends and family. I was having a hard time figuring out what I needed and how much I should be bartering for. It was super hot...we were all sweating like whoa...but one of the highlights of the trip for me. I think I got some pretty cool stuff. ~
~It was pretty hard coming back to Lweza and having to sit down to another meal. Another meal of rice with some sort of meat broth just wasn't very appealing. I didn't get much down. ~
~Julie and I had an early night. I think we have had so much fun talking, laughing and staying up late that tonight we were just tired and ready to be in bed. So, we were both tucked in our mosquito nets by 8:30. The whole week has been super emotional and tonight is no exception. But the emotion is different right now...the entire week my heart has been broken for the Ugandans. Tonight, it is broken because I have watched a father love on his daughter like I have longed for my father to love me my entire life. I have grown up with the Ramsay's so I know what a great and gentle father Bob has been to his 6 kids. This week I have had the opportunity to watch him demonstrate his love to Rebecca. I yearn for the relationship they have. But, I don't think I'll ever want that relationship with my dad. It's sad, but just a fact of life for me and he will never understand the reasons that I have not to love him. He wasn't there while I was growing up and now I don't need him. Harsh, but true. So, over the past two weeks it has been so refreshing to see that not all daughters feel the way I do. I'm sad that we will be going home and I won't get to watch that love anymore.
So, I will most likely fall asleep with tears flowing and heart aching. I so look forward to the day my heavenly father will hold me in his arms like I was meant to be.~
Possibly my longest post yet and I'll be surprised if you've made it through. It's really just a great way for me to release a lot of what is floating around in my head. Now it's 6:27 am. I think I'll go visit Whitney at Starbucks and actually finish the last day of my journal from Uganda.
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's...
"He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust." - Psalm 103:1-5, 10-14
"It is striking to me that in these words there is very little for humans to do towards God. This passage is about how God acts towards us. I am called to fear him, receive his grace towards me, and praise him for who he is. This is great news for me because I know my spiritual and moral weakness all too well. I know that left to my own strength and efforts at goodness I am an utter failure. On my own I do indeed dwell in the pit of my own iniquity and spiritual sickness.
Yet I have hope because God is proactive in his love. He does not wait until I am able to do better. He knows that I am dust, that I am weak. And so he takes the initiative. This Psalm (like all mention of God's redemption of humans) makes God the sole agent in what we would call salvation. He alone is the one who forgives. He alone heals and redeems. He crowns, satisfies, and renews. I am not able to earn or effect these things, I can only receive them from his hand. This is my cause for hope; that God, knowing how weak and corrupt my heart is, doesn't deal with me according to my heart but according to his. "
--from the blog of Travis Scott (Transpacificism)
What a great picture of how God views and loves us. Travis and his wife are going to be missionaries in Auckland, New Zealand later this year. I've been following their story every since he came and shared at OMPC during the missions conference. There are many times that I want to join them in their cause, but right now I cannot imagine making a 24 hour plane ride just to visit home. I mean...the flight itself from LA to Auckland is 18 hours. I had a hard time sitting still for the 2 eight hour flights home from Africa.
Again...I have been up for a while this morning. I fell asleep around 12:30 last night and up at 4. I did decide to not go to work today. I know it is probably a bad decision, but I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted right now that it's hard to function in a work environment. I know I'm just putting off the inevitable, but maybe these few hours off will help my brain. I'm not sure that I realized how hard this trip would be for me. I know that I am pretty sensitive when it comes to heart issues, but I just didn't know the magnitude of how I would be affected.
I'm getting a little more excited about sharing pictures and stories and being able to articulate the thoughts in my head. But, not being able to fully do that right now...I'll just share one of my journal entries from the trip.
July 5th--
Julie has given me note cards with a verse on them for each day of the trip...here is the VOD--"Great and amazing are your deeds, O Lord God the Almighty! Just and true are your ways, O King of the nations! Who will not fear, O Lord, and glorify your name? For you alone are holy. All nations will come and worship you, for your righteous acts have been revealed." Rev. 15:3-4
10 Things I will miss about this trip...
1. Being Peaches roommate and spending so much time with her
2. Having Rebecca next door and getting to hear her laugh
3. Walking out to breakfast and commenting on how beautiful the tree outside the door is
4. TL, logistics and sarcastic comments
5. Scott coming in our room every night marking off how many nights are left here at Lweza
6. Conversations and laughter in B29
7. Holding the children
8.The simplicity of life and faith
9. Riding on the bus, seeing the sights that put my life into perspective--while holding Daniel
10. Feeling the love of my God through the people
~I've loved rooming with Julie over this trip. I have laughed more in the past 10 days than I have in a very long time!
This morning one of our teammates is sick, so I volunteered to stay back and take care of her. I honestly was excited because I didn't have to sit through clinics one last day! I thought I might get a chance to update my blog but it is Saturday and the administration area of the camp is closed. So, this time has been good to just meditate over the past week, journal and thank God for this experience.~
~We got to go shopping in Kampala this afternoon. I guess the best way to describe the city life in Kampala is a 3rd world New York City. There are no lines on the streets to mark lanes. There are people EVERYWHERE. Taxi's and bota-bota's(motorbikes) rule the road. If you can find a spot for your vehicle to fit in to then you can go there. No rules...even working stoplights don't mean anything. The whole city is covered in garbage...a lot of it burning. I guess there's no garbage pick up on Tuesday's and Friday's here! :)
We shopped in two markets searching for items to take back to friends and family. I was having a hard time figuring out what I needed and how much I should be bartering for. It was super hot...we were all sweating like whoa...but one of the highlights of the trip for me. I think I got some pretty cool stuff. ~
~It was pretty hard coming back to Lweza and having to sit down to another meal. Another meal of rice with some sort of meat broth just wasn't very appealing. I didn't get much down. ~
~Julie and I had an early night. I think we have had so much fun talking, laughing and staying up late that tonight we were just tired and ready to be in bed. So, we were both tucked in our mosquito nets by 8:30. The whole week has been super emotional and tonight is no exception. But the emotion is different right now...the entire week my heart has been broken for the Ugandans. Tonight, it is broken because I have watched a father love on his daughter like I have longed for my father to love me my entire life. I have grown up with the Ramsay's so I know what a great and gentle father Bob has been to his 6 kids. This week I have had the opportunity to watch him demonstrate his love to Rebecca. I yearn for the relationship they have. But, I don't think I'll ever want that relationship with my dad. It's sad, but just a fact of life for me and he will never understand the reasons that I have not to love him. He wasn't there while I was growing up and now I don't need him. Harsh, but true. So, over the past two weeks it has been so refreshing to see that not all daughters feel the way I do. I'm sad that we will be going home and I won't get to watch that love anymore.
So, I will most likely fall asleep with tears flowing and heart aching. I so look forward to the day my heavenly father will hold me in his arms like I was meant to be.~
Possibly my longest post yet and I'll be surprised if you've made it through. It's really just a great way for me to release a lot of what is floating around in my head. Now it's 6:27 am. I think I'll go visit Whitney at Starbucks and actually finish the last day of my journal from Uganda.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Jet lag
I woke up at 3 this morning not being able to sleep. It's now 4:09. I need to get up and go to work, but I am NOT looking forward to it! Is it Sunday yet!?!
Yesterday was our first full day back from Uganda. I felt great when I woke up at 9 am and then about an hour later I hit a wall. I went and had coffee with a friend and told her a little about the trip. Then went to my mom's and sat with her for a bit. Whenever I started to say something...tears began to fill my eyes, so I had to stop talking.
Julie and I,both being exhausted and understanding what the other was going through, went to have lunch at Taziki's because we had been craving it so much over the past few days. Since the food in Uganda was not good...AT ALL...we couldn't eat much. I think our stomachs have shrunk! Our eyes are definitely bigger than our stomachs! Then we had mani's and pedi's to get rid of the ever present African dirt...nasty. So, it's good to be clean!
Okay...well, I could write more, but I'm stalling from getting up and going to work. It's good to be home. But, I miss Daniel in mine or Julie's lap and being able to watch him sleep. I want an African child!!!!
Now...back to reality. I guess I'm dealing with jet lag here. .. exhausted but can't sleep. ARG!
Yesterday was our first full day back from Uganda. I felt great when I woke up at 9 am and then about an hour later I hit a wall. I went and had coffee with a friend and told her a little about the trip. Then went to my mom's and sat with her for a bit. Whenever I started to say something...tears began to fill my eyes, so I had to stop talking.
Julie and I,both being exhausted and understanding what the other was going through, went to have lunch at Taziki's because we had been craving it so much over the past few days. Since the food in Uganda was not good...AT ALL...we couldn't eat much. I think our stomachs have shrunk! Our eyes are definitely bigger than our stomachs! Then we had mani's and pedi's to get rid of the ever present African dirt...nasty. So, it's good to be clean!
Okay...well, I could write more, but I'm stalling from getting up and going to work. It's good to be home. But, I miss Daniel in mine or Julie's lap and being able to watch him sleep. I want an African child!!!!
Now...back to reality. I guess I'm dealing with jet lag here. .. exhausted but can't sleep. ARG!
Monday, July 7, 2008
"I'm fine"
If you've never heard an African child answer "I'm fine" to the question of "how are you?" you have missed one of the greatest sounds in the world.
We got home from Uganda tonight...flew in about an hour ago. I have taken a shower and I'm lying in my bed trying to get my feet to unswell(don't think that's a word, but I'm using it). It is amazing to me that 30 hours ago Julie and I were lying on our beds in Africa waiting eagerly to go home. Now that I am home...I'm not sure what to think. And when I do think, tears fill my eyes...so, for now I'm going to bed. And as I do I am thinking of Daniel's sweet voice saying "I'm fine" to anything you ask him. Also, remembering the verse God showed Julie and I several times over the past 11 days...and I have now memorized...
"But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. The steadfast love of the Lord is never ceasing. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in him. The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
Lamentations 3:21-26
We got home from Uganda tonight...flew in about an hour ago. I have taken a shower and I'm lying in my bed trying to get my feet to unswell(don't think that's a word, but I'm using it). It is amazing to me that 30 hours ago Julie and I were lying on our beds in Africa waiting eagerly to go home. Now that I am home...I'm not sure what to think. And when I do think, tears fill my eyes...so, for now I'm going to bed. And as I do I am thinking of Daniel's sweet voice saying "I'm fine" to anything you ask him. Also, remembering the verse God showed Julie and I several times over the past 11 days...and I have now memorized...
"But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. The steadfast love of the Lord is never ceasing. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in him. The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
Lamentations 3:21-26
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