This is painful to talk about, but I have to get it out...
I have an Alabama sticker on my car! Yes, you read it right. I made a bet with a friend of my before the Auburn/Alabama game. If Auburn won she was going to have to wear my Auburn t-shirt from Sunday to Tuesday. If AL won... well, they did... so, she came and put an Bama sticker OVER my Auburn sticker on the back of my car. For 2 weeks... UUGGGGHHHH!! What was I thinking having some sort of faith in my team. Even though there is crimson and white on my car I am still an Auburn fan through and through. War Eagle.
As I was thinking about putting those awful colors on my car today and I got motivated to do something outside. In my fury I blew the leaves for 2 1/2 hours! Who knew there were so many leaves in a yard. But, it looks glorious... until tomorrow. When I was placing the leaves in the trash bags I had a moment of spiritual clarity and began praying about the leaves. No, I am not crazy, God just speaks to me in small ways because it is the only way that my finite mind can comprehend his magnitude. I was imagining that the leaves were my sin; my shortcomings; my pride; my downfalls; my inability to understand who He is. Each scoop of leaves was a way to realize that my stuff is in the trash. As much as Satan wants me to hold on and keep my heart covered I need to continue to throw the leaves in the bag. Even though tomorrow they will show up again and stain the surface I will continue to repent, believe and fight. I'm thankful for the little things in life that give me clarity on cloudy and cold days.
Monday, December 1, 2008
My life as a movie...
The Soundtrack to my life according to my itunes...
Opening Credits:
"Ride across the river" --Dire Straits
Waking Up:
"be lifted" --David Crowder Band
First day at school:
"Oh, look at me now"-- Frank Sinatra
Falling in Love:
"Man of constant sorrow"-- O, brother where art thou
Fight song:
"Immortal, Invisible"-- Laura Story
Breaking up:
"Yellow"-- Coldplay
Prom night:
"Hymn"-- Brook Fraser
Life:
"Sparks Fly"-- David Crowder Band
Mental Breakdown:
"Flake"--Jack Johnson
Driving:
"There is nothing"--Laura Story
Flashback:
"Let you down"-- Dave Matthews
Getting back together:
"I will boast"-- Paul Baloche
Wedding:
"When we dance"--Sting (I promise i didn't cheat)
Birth of a child:
"Stop and stare" -- One republic
Final Battle:
"Cordova"-- Indigo Girls
Funeral Song:
"Same"-- Snow Patrol
Final Credits:
"Waffle House"-- David Wilcox ha ha
IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here’s how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend your cool… and alot of the songs fit with the setting
Have fun.
Opening Credits:
"Ride across the river" --Dire Straits
Waking Up:
"be lifted" --David Crowder Band
First day at school:
"Oh, look at me now"-- Frank Sinatra
Falling in Love:
"Man of constant sorrow"-- O, brother where art thou
Fight song:
"Immortal, Invisible"-- Laura Story
Breaking up:
"Yellow"-- Coldplay
Prom night:
"Hymn"-- Brook Fraser
Life:
"Sparks Fly"-- David Crowder Band
Mental Breakdown:
"Flake"--Jack Johnson
Driving:
"There is nothing"--Laura Story
Flashback:
"Let you down"-- Dave Matthews
Getting back together:
"I will boast"-- Paul Baloche
Wedding:
"When we dance"--Sting (I promise i didn't cheat)
Birth of a child:
"Stop and stare" -- One republic
Final Battle:
"Cordova"-- Indigo Girls
Funeral Song:
"Same"-- Snow Patrol
Final Credits:
"Waffle House"-- David Wilcox ha ha
IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here’s how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend your cool… and alot of the songs fit with the setting
Have fun.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tagged
This was the closest I could get... I was tagged by my friend Julie to post a picture from my photos, taking the fourth picture from the fourth folder in my pictures. I didn't have a fourth picture in the fourth or fifth folder so I had to take it from the third folder... close enough.
This photo is when Julie, Whitney and I went downtown to take our homeless friend a birthday cake. We have become quite close to our new friend LaTonya and have enjoyed getting to know her and hear her story. I have been so privileged to be a part of the homeless ministry with our singles group from OMPC. It has engaged my heart to realize the sufferings of others (whether self induced or not). And it has opened my eyes to be more compassionate to those who may not even deserve it. Because, after all, none of us deserve the compassion of Christ yet we are given it freely. We all to some degree self induce our own pain and suffering at times. So we are no better than they.
Tomorrow being Thanksgiving I am truly thankful for the homeless ministry and the lives that it touches even though we may not think so at the time. We are required to be the hands and feet of Jesus and I am glad this is one way we can do that.
So, now that I have been tagged... I'm tagging Robin, Emalee, Penny and Leilani. Come on... don't let me down! :)
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Just Live
Today I started a new art project which I am very excited about. I am putting my cross collection to good use. They will no longer just be hanging on the wall, but will be put to good use if it works. I'm finding that my creative outlets are great therapy for my soul. And I am not as afraid of them anymore. I used to think that my creativity wasn't good enough or my work wouldn't turn out the way I wanted it to. I am learning to not fear what the outcome will be... just do and do it with passion. Whatever it turns out to be may not be perfection, but I will accept whatever it is without regret. Much like life is these days. I fear walking through life thinking that what I am is not good enough or what I do won't turn out the way I imagined. But, just like the art I am learning to not fear what the outcome will be... just live and do it with passion.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Picasso in Training
I so wish I knew more about art! This is my first attempt of being an artist. I spent many hours cutting the countries in Africa in to their shapes, then cutting and pasting each picture(as a country) on to the continent.I used favorite photos from my friends short term mission trips in the last three years. The three words written on the canvas mean grace(ekisa), love(ayagala) and God is good(Yesu mulungi) in Lugandan, the official language of Uganda. The texture is a coat of gesso and then painted over in acrylic black paint. Then sponged a little with the green I used around the border. Around the edge of the canvas there are three favorite verses of hers(Lamentations 3:21-26, Psalm 27:13-14 and Isaiah 30:18). Also, there are 5 small silver crosses around the continent. I loved working on this project and it was a little hard to let go, but it was a present so I was excited to give it.... and so glad she LOVED, LOVED, LOVED it! I will be testing out more mediums and different ideas I have floating around in my head soon. It's usually a better idea in my head then when it plays out in reality. I then become frustrated that it wasn't how I pictured it. But, I think this one worked out well despite my perfectionism. Happy Birthday Julie. Again, better late then never. :)
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Back in the Blog
I've decided that I have some of the best friends in the world! Even those of you who may not know all of what's going on in my life right now, I am thankful for your constant love. I know you will always be there and that comforts my heart.
Lately, I've had a lot of time to think... about life; about love; about God; about family. Some may never know the tragedies or the conquering's of my past, but every instance and every breath has made me in to who I am today. Now the person that I am today will change tomorrow or the day after and I will always be growing. Growing is not always easy, but I will put what little hope I can muster and throw myself in the arms of my Savior and in the ones who encourage me and push me in to that grace. Whether I cast myself in to those arms tomorrow or the day after I do not know. But, I thank you for being patient with my stubborn heart. If you are my friend, you've blessed me more than you can know.
Lately, I've had a lot of time to think... about life; about love; about God; about family. Some may never know the tragedies or the conquering's of my past, but every instance and every breath has made me in to who I am today. Now the person that I am today will change tomorrow or the day after and I will always be growing. Growing is not always easy, but I will put what little hope I can muster and throw myself in the arms of my Savior and in the ones who encourage me and push me in to that grace. Whether I cast myself in to those arms tomorrow or the day after I do not know. But, I thank you for being patient with my stubborn heart. If you are my friend, you've blessed me more than you can know.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Repeat
Not what my hands have done
Can save my guilty soul;
Not what my toiling flesh has borne Can make my spirit whole.
Not what I feel or do Can give me peace with God;
Not all my prayers, And sighs and tears
Can bear my awful load.
Thy work alone, O Christ, Can ease this weight of sin
Thy blood alone O Lamb of God, Can give me peace within.
Thy love to me O God, Not mine, O Lord, to Thee
Can rid me of This dark unrest,
And set my spirit free!
Thy grace alone, O God,To me can pardon speak;
Thy power alone O Son of God,
Can this sore bondage break.
No other work, save Thine,No other blood will do,
No strength save that,Which is divine, Can bear me safely through.
I bless the Christ of God;
I rest on love divine;
And with unfaltering lip and heart,I call this Savior mine.
His cross dispels each doubt,I bury in His tomb
My unbelief, And all my fear, Each lingering shade of gloom.
I praise the God of grace,I trust His truth and might
He calls me His, I call Him mine,
My God, my joy, my light’Tis He Who saveth me,
And freely pardon gives
I love because He loveth me,I live because He lives!
There are days where God gives me a song to just make it through the day, maybe even the week or the month. This is the one for today and will be repeated again and again. This song is on an album of an old friend of mine who I worked with at JH Ranch. I heard it for the first time this past weekend. It is good to remember that not what my hands have done can save my guilty soul! Praise the Father for that... for His unending love and grace.
You should listen to it... His name is Aaron Keyes... you can get if off itunes. Album is called 'Not What My Hands Have Done.'
Can save my guilty soul;
Not what my toiling flesh has borne Can make my spirit whole.
Not what I feel or do Can give me peace with God;
Not all my prayers, And sighs and tears
Can bear my awful load.
Thy work alone, O Christ, Can ease this weight of sin
Thy blood alone O Lamb of God, Can give me peace within.
Thy love to me O God, Not mine, O Lord, to Thee
Can rid me of This dark unrest,
And set my spirit free!
Thy grace alone, O God,To me can pardon speak;
Thy power alone O Son of God,
Can this sore bondage break.
No other work, save Thine,No other blood will do,
No strength save that,Which is divine, Can bear me safely through.
I bless the Christ of God;
I rest on love divine;
And with unfaltering lip and heart,I call this Savior mine.
His cross dispels each doubt,I bury in His tomb
My unbelief, And all my fear, Each lingering shade of gloom.
I praise the God of grace,I trust His truth and might
He calls me His, I call Him mine,
My God, my joy, my light’Tis He Who saveth me,
And freely pardon gives
I love because He loveth me,I live because He lives!
There are days where God gives me a song to just make it through the day, maybe even the week or the month. This is the one for today and will be repeated again and again. This song is on an album of an old friend of mine who I worked with at JH Ranch. I heard it for the first time this past weekend. It is good to remember that not what my hands have done can save my guilty soul! Praise the Father for that... for His unending love and grace.
You should listen to it... His name is Aaron Keyes... you can get if off itunes. Album is called 'Not What My Hands Have Done.'
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Jesus Branded
So, I have a few t-shirts from this company called JesusBranded. 4 actually... and they are pretty much my favorite shirts. What I love about these shirts is that they all have a message about Christ on them, but they are not flashy in getting that message across. And some of them have whole chapters of the Bible written on the inside of the shirt which just makes me feel covered in the word...especially on hard days. They are super soft and so comfy. Basically, what I'm saying is... you should check out their website... I love them and I think you should too.
http://www.jesusbranded.com/
Happy shopping!
http://www.jesusbranded.com/
Happy shopping!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Redemption
on a receipt in a restaurant...
on the scale at work...
on some random number on the internet...
and on the odometer...Just a few examples of why my blog address is seven-forty-six. It's EVERYWHERE... which is a great reminder of how much God loves me... despite my unbelief. It gets to be pretty comical too. This number is even in my checking account number. This is my redemption number. 7:46.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
He makes all things good
I had an unusual flood of emotions wash over me a few hours ago. Not that me being emotional is unusual these days, but I was so taken off guard it makes me wonder what's really behind the tears. Again, I have been crying, but not for me. I had a friend send me a text about an hour ago. I was coming home from work and had just pulled in to the garage. I cannot share what was written in the text, but it gripped my heart so tightly and before I even got through reading I was sobbing. My heart knows all too well about the pain of what the words meant. But, while it is painful to hear what this friend is struggling with it is good to know(from experience) that God will carry this person through their pain. And, not only will he carry them through, but He has brought me through the same kind of situation so that I can walk along side of them in love and understanding. I love that He loves me more than I can ever imagine. Because what I imagine sometimes is not so great. Despite what I think...His love is constant, never ending and good. He will walk through the waters with you, friend. I know that. I trust that and I believe that.
I learned a phrase in Africa. As stated before it is sometimes hard for me to believe, but nevertheless, is true. Yesu Mulungi... God is good. I can really tell that God is changing my heart. It may not be visible to others or even to the ones closest to me, but I feel it. I'm not even sure what that feeling is, but it's there. Friday night was our monthly feed the homeless night. Julie and I usually ride together down to Linn Park. The closer we got to the park the more I didn't want to go. I guess the best way to put how I was feeling is anxious. I really had been looking forward to going down there all week, but as soon as we got in the car I, all the sudden, didn't want to go...didn't feel like reaching out... didn't feel like showing God's love...didn't feel like being nice. For the first 30 minutes or so I walked around handing out water and food trying not to interact with the people. I was thinking that maybe if I stayed busy passing out things then I wouldn't have to get my hands dirty and sit with the people and hear about their lives. But, after a while God tugged at my heart and I knew I needed to love on them. I went and sat with one of our friends, Latonya. She is the life of the party out there and usually keeps us cracking up at her...which I'm pretty sure she loves. Over the next hour God completely changed my heart. It went from being hard and cold to compassionate and loving. There is a lot I could say about what I heard and who I met that night, but the purpose for me writing this is to say that God is good. Even though my heart was sinful and cold in the beginning He wanted to teach me a few things through our friends down there. I am so grateful for the ministry that our singles group has with the homeless every month.
I learned a phrase in Africa. As stated before it is sometimes hard for me to believe, but nevertheless, is true. Yesu Mulungi... God is good. I can really tell that God is changing my heart. It may not be visible to others or even to the ones closest to me, but I feel it. I'm not even sure what that feeling is, but it's there. Friday night was our monthly feed the homeless night. Julie and I usually ride together down to Linn Park. The closer we got to the park the more I didn't want to go. I guess the best way to put how I was feeling is anxious. I really had been looking forward to going down there all week, but as soon as we got in the car I, all the sudden, didn't want to go...didn't feel like reaching out... didn't feel like showing God's love...didn't feel like being nice. For the first 30 minutes or so I walked around handing out water and food trying not to interact with the people. I was thinking that maybe if I stayed busy passing out things then I wouldn't have to get my hands dirty and sit with the people and hear about their lives. But, after a while God tugged at my heart and I knew I needed to love on them. I went and sat with one of our friends, Latonya. She is the life of the party out there and usually keeps us cracking up at her...which I'm pretty sure she loves. Over the next hour God completely changed my heart. It went from being hard and cold to compassionate and loving. There is a lot I could say about what I heard and who I met that night, but the purpose for me writing this is to say that God is good. Even though my heart was sinful and cold in the beginning He wanted to teach me a few things through our friends down there. I am so grateful for the ministry that our singles group has with the homeless every month.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
selfish joy?
I just woke up from a long nap in a very somber mood. I was a little confused, first thinking that I needed to get up for work (which made me very angry) then I realized that it was raining outside so I can't go play tennis tonight. That made me sad and a little frustrated because that means until tomorrow morning at 5 I am completely alone. And that in itself scares the mess out of me. I'm usually not one to be threatened by being alone. I actually like it. But, since being home from Uganda I crave others to be present. Which I don't think is a bad thing in theory... but, recently I have noticed that I am using others presence as a buffer between me and God. I'm still praying a lot (at least...a lot for me), but I don't seem to be sitting at His feet, knowing that He is God, meditating on His love and believing that He has a purpose for my life. And again, right this very minute, I am avoiding His presence...blogging instead of spending time with him. So, right now I feel very uncomfortable to be alone.
After waking up frazzled I realized that there were some pictures from Uganda that I hadn't looked at yet. While looking through the pictures I couldn't get past the joy that seems to be exuding from my face. Even though I know exactly what was going through my head during each one of the pictures I still seem to be content and joyful amidst my physical turmoil. Then I was struck with the thought that I have not felt that joy and contentment since being in Africa. Now, I know that my joy should not be found in circumstances or community or a job or anything other than Christ alone. But, being there, holding the hands of the people and the children, I felt like my life had purpose. It is so hard to see through the mud and the muck in my everyday life to find purpose and meaning.
Tomorrow is our monthly feed the homeless ministry at Linn Park with the singles group. It is the one thing that I have been looking forward to all week. It is there, like in Africa, where I feel God's purpose for my life playing out in my heart. Maybe it's just that I want to build myself up through my good deeds or maybe it is a true yearning to feel the heart of God once more. I don't know whether it's selfish or not, but I will enjoy it...God touches me through those people.
My favorite song right now is a song by Brooke Fraser. I'm always affected and deeply moved by words in songs... which causes a lot of contemplation in my head. Listen to it if you get a chance.
Arithmetic
I've been staring at the sky tonight
Marvelling and passing time
Wondering what to do with daylight
Until I can make you mine
You are the one I want, you are the one I want
I've been thinking of changing my mind
It never stays the same for long
But of all the things I know for sure
You're the only certain one
You are the one I want, you are the one I want
I've been counting up all my wrongs
One sorry for each star
See I'd apologise my way to you
If the heavens stretched that far
You are the one I want, you are the one I want
[Chorus]I won't find what I am looking for
If I only "see" by keeping score
'Cause I know now you are so much more than arithmetic
'Cause if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum
So you are the oneI want
When the years are showing on my face
And my strongest days are gone
When my heart and flesh depart this place
From a life that sung your song
You'll still be the one I want
You'll still be the one I want
You'll still be the one I want
You'll still be the one I want
I hope and pray that He will ALWAYS be the one I want... REAL, TRUE, JOY.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Good Ole John
I just wrote a blog about this past Sunday, but erased it...don't know that it made much sense about what's going on in my head right now.
I was just listening to Jill Philips and then it changed to John Denver...which brings a bitter-sweet feeling. It brings back one of the very few memories I have of my parents being together...driving up Hwy 31, near brookwood, in the wood paneled station wagon listening to his greatest hits on the 8 track. It's not that I miss that...it's just that I hate that is one of the very few memories I have of them being together in the same space. When I say few...I literally mean two. And that makes me sad. But listening to John Denver also soothes my soul in some way. I remember during a lot of very bad days in high school I would curl up on my bed in my room and listen to him all afternoon. Listening to music was one of the ways I made it through those days.
There is so much more to the thoughts in my head behind John Denver, but in fear that I might say something that I regret...I will go to bed. I have no idea how many people read this blog ( I really think it's only a handful). But, just in case...I'm going to stop there.
Side note...Today more than any day being home from Uganda do I miss little Daniel sitting in my lap, watching him sleep, feeling his chest rise and fall...wow, I'm just making myself sad. I'm going to bed. Good night.
I was just listening to Jill Philips and then it changed to John Denver...which brings a bitter-sweet feeling. It brings back one of the very few memories I have of my parents being together...driving up Hwy 31, near brookwood, in the wood paneled station wagon listening to his greatest hits on the 8 track. It's not that I miss that...it's just that I hate that is one of the very few memories I have of them being together in the same space. When I say few...I literally mean two. And that makes me sad. But listening to John Denver also soothes my soul in some way. I remember during a lot of very bad days in high school I would curl up on my bed in my room and listen to him all afternoon. Listening to music was one of the ways I made it through those days.
There is so much more to the thoughts in my head behind John Denver, but in fear that I might say something that I regret...I will go to bed. I have no idea how many people read this blog ( I really think it's only a handful). But, just in case...I'm going to stop there.
Side note...Today more than any day being home from Uganda do I miss little Daniel sitting in my lap, watching him sleep, feeling his chest rise and fall...wow, I'm just making myself sad. I'm going to bed. Good night.
Monday, July 21, 2008
On a Hard Day
"But this I call to mind"...
When family fails you, when friends disappoint, when this broken world doesn't give you want you want...
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never end. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I WILL HOPE IN HIM. The Lord is good to those who wait on him, to the soul that seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." Lam. 3:21-26
How often I forget that my hope is found in Christ alone...not in family, not in friends, not in anything that this world has to offer. Which makes me desire heaven more than ever before.
When family fails you, when friends disappoint, when this broken world doesn't give you want you want...
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never end. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I WILL HOPE IN HIM. The Lord is good to those who wait on him, to the soul that seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." Lam. 3:21-26
How often I forget that my hope is found in Christ alone...not in family, not in friends, not in anything that this world has to offer. Which makes me desire heaven more than ever before.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Go figure
Today I was peeling peaches for a dessert for the restaurant. I was about to peel the last bit off this peach when I realized that it looked just like Africa! I mean...I keep clicking in between a map of Africa and this peach and I promise it is almost identical! GOD IS RIDICULOUS!!!
Friday, July 18, 2008
It was a pancake kind of day
So, pulling myself out of bed this morning was a little rough. I have not gotten more than 6 hours of sleep a night in over a week(been averaging about 4). Why? Because I won't go to bed. For some reason I think that if I stay up later, then work won't come. Like I can stretch time out or something. Crazy thinking.
By the time I got to work and clocked in at 5:19 I was feeling better. But by 6am I was good and starting to wonder what was wrong with me. I actually felt okay with being there...like "okay, today doesn't feel meaningless." The restaurants have not been very busy lately so there isn't much to do around the kitchen. I mean, there's stuff I could do, but who wants to work at work!?! So, on days like that I will make pancakes for the kitchen. And..."if you give a pig a pancake...she'll want some syrup to go with it."
Dolester(my boss), Geraldine(a line cook), Kate(co-worker) and I sat around, ate our pancakes with syrup and drank our milk. Life was good...and funny. I do believe that black ladies just have more fun. Today was no exception. They cracked me up with their lingo and continued to make fun of the white girls...which is even funnier if you try to talk like them in front of them. They got up from their stools and headed back towards the kitchen while I still sat and asked where they were going...like I didn't know. Geri replied with, "gurl, get yo ass up and do sumpum!" I got the hint. The morning continued and time moved quickly, which is a small miracle in my book right now.
Towards the end of the day I had this Whitney Houston song stuck in my head and somehow that song lead into a conversation about Michael Jackson. I guess because they are both crazy and we just connected the two. Anyway, I stated that I do not like MJ at all and, whoa, you would've thought that I slapped Dol's momma or something. She reeled around and gasped...and then got really loud...which is generally what black ladies do when they get passionate about something. So, I gathered that she thought MJ was great in his day and my dislike for him was highly upsetting her. So I continued because it's so fun to push her buttons and then to hear how she responds. She told me, "I"m not even gonna start trippin over that wit chew," among other highly humorous sayings that got me rolling. I always try to remember what they say so I can repeat it later, but never can! Dang!! Nonetheless, it was hysterical and I almost laughed until I cried. That is a good day...and the first good day since returning to work on the 9th.
So, I'm at home after work and decide to watch 'The Bucket List.' I fell asleep during a small part, but when I woke up I got a little emotional and couldn't figure out why. Then the light turned on. I thought to myself that Morgan Freeman's nose looks a lot like sweet little Daniel's(the bus drivers son from Uganda) nose. And that made me really sad. I think I had tears in my eyes for the rest of the movie. But, it was a good movie. I recommend it.
Anyway, I got to thinking about why my day was good...it was the FIRST day since Uganda that I hadn't thought about Uganda at work. My feelings are torn about that. I want to have good days. But I also never want to forget about my time in Africa and I would rather there not be a day that goes by without me praying for them. Which leaves me to wonder...are pancake days worth it?
By the time I got to work and clocked in at 5:19 I was feeling better. But by 6am I was good and starting to wonder what was wrong with me. I actually felt okay with being there...like "okay, today doesn't feel meaningless." The restaurants have not been very busy lately so there isn't much to do around the kitchen. I mean, there's stuff I could do, but who wants to work at work!?! So, on days like that I will make pancakes for the kitchen. And..."if you give a pig a pancake...she'll want some syrup to go with it."
Dolester(my boss), Geraldine(a line cook), Kate(co-worker) and I sat around, ate our pancakes with syrup and drank our milk. Life was good...and funny. I do believe that black ladies just have more fun. Today was no exception. They cracked me up with their lingo and continued to make fun of the white girls...which is even funnier if you try to talk like them in front of them. They got up from their stools and headed back towards the kitchen while I still sat and asked where they were going...like I didn't know. Geri replied with, "gurl, get yo ass up and do sumpum!" I got the hint. The morning continued and time moved quickly, which is a small miracle in my book right now.
Towards the end of the day I had this Whitney Houston song stuck in my head and somehow that song lead into a conversation about Michael Jackson. I guess because they are both crazy and we just connected the two. Anyway, I stated that I do not like MJ at all and, whoa, you would've thought that I slapped Dol's momma or something. She reeled around and gasped...and then got really loud...which is generally what black ladies do when they get passionate about something. So, I gathered that she thought MJ was great in his day and my dislike for him was highly upsetting her. So I continued because it's so fun to push her buttons and then to hear how she responds. She told me, "I"m not even gonna start trippin over that wit chew," among other highly humorous sayings that got me rolling. I always try to remember what they say so I can repeat it later, but never can! Dang!! Nonetheless, it was hysterical and I almost laughed until I cried. That is a good day...and the first good day since returning to work on the 9th.
So, I'm at home after work and decide to watch 'The Bucket List.' I fell asleep during a small part, but when I woke up I got a little emotional and couldn't figure out why. Then the light turned on. I thought to myself that Morgan Freeman's nose looks a lot like sweet little Daniel's(the bus drivers son from Uganda) nose. And that made me really sad. I think I had tears in my eyes for the rest of the movie. But, it was a good movie. I recommend it.
Anyway, I got to thinking about why my day was good...it was the FIRST day since Uganda that I hadn't thought about Uganda at work. My feelings are torn about that. I want to have good days. But I also never want to forget about my time in Africa and I would rather there not be a day that goes by without me praying for them. Which leaves me to wonder...are pancake days worth it?
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Sharing
Hmmm...I was just asked to think about sharing about my trip to Uganda in sunday school this week. That doesn't give me a lot of time to prepare and honestly I don't even know what I would say. I mean, I feel like I know what God is teaching me through the trip, but those teachings started a LONG time before the trip. How would I explain that in such a short time!?! I don't know...it's not like it's a huge decision, but it could be good. I'm just not the greatest talker.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Latonya Renee Smothers
Coming back from Uganda was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. It was only an 11 day trip, but so much happened and I'm not sure that I have fully processed it all. Don't get me wrong...I was ready to come home! But normalcy is killing me. I have conflicting emotions about what is next for me. I'm dying to just live and breath among family and friends and to be comfortable in my every day life, but at the same time my soul longs to do something meaningful. I feel like my job is meaningless. I mean...I make pastries. How is that advancing the kingdom of God in this broken world!?! It is obviously where God wants me right now, but it just sucks! I'm good at what I do, but there's no passion in it for me...no drive to be an amazing pastry chef or to even move up the chain in the restaurant. When I came back from my trip I was supposed to move to a different restaurant, but I don't even want to mention it because I know my heart is not fully here and it would not be fully in the job. It's going to take a lot of work to transition down to the other restaurant...and frankly...I just don't want to put my energy in to it. So for now I'm going to try and keep that on the DL.
Once a month the singles group at OMPC goes to feed the homeless at Linn Park. Last month was my first experience with that in Birmingham. It's a lot different than going in Las Vegas, but you still have the same people...lost and broken. Going to Uganda just changed the way that I see everything in life. Now...serving others is just a necessity. I'm not sayin' it's easy. I just feel a lot more drawn to do it now. I mentioned in my journal from Uganda that holding and loving the children was so easy to do there...it was more like Jesus was holding me through them. I feel like I am learning more about Jesus through touching, loving and hanging out with the forgotten, the fatherless and the unloved.
I NEVER thought I would say that I was looking forward to serving the homeless...I think it felt more like a chore to me...like it's my duty as a Christian so that was my only motivation. This past week...I was truly excited about going. And now I am not afraid to dive deeper and begin to invest my heart into their lives. It's easier to love "the least of these" when you realize that you are no better than any one of them. God has so generously blessed me and it is my privilege to try and bless another. When you invest in them, in return, God blesses you. It's a win win situation on most days!
Julie and I got the chance to hang out with one of the ladies...Latonya Renee Smothers. It's easier for me to talk to them with Julie because she seems to have more of the right words to say. Latonya cracked us up, threatened to "fork" us, and would only take the water bottles with the squeezy top. They are pretty picky, but you know, I probably would be too. Latonya grew up in DHR and now her 3 living children are all in the system too. I can't remember their crazy names but they all have Renee as their middle names and each one has a different "baby daddy." She's had a hard life and I can only call to mind and hope in Christ that his steadfast love will never cease for her. And when I don't ever have the right words to say...that he would speak to her through our touch, abounding in love because he first loved us.
Peaches...we need to go visit our friend! :)
Once a month the singles group at OMPC goes to feed the homeless at Linn Park. Last month was my first experience with that in Birmingham. It's a lot different than going in Las Vegas, but you still have the same people...lost and broken. Going to Uganda just changed the way that I see everything in life. Now...serving others is just a necessity. I'm not sayin' it's easy. I just feel a lot more drawn to do it now. I mentioned in my journal from Uganda that holding and loving the children was so easy to do there...it was more like Jesus was holding me through them. I feel like I am learning more about Jesus through touching, loving and hanging out with the forgotten, the fatherless and the unloved.
I NEVER thought I would say that I was looking forward to serving the homeless...I think it felt more like a chore to me...like it's my duty as a Christian so that was my only motivation. This past week...I was truly excited about going. And now I am not afraid to dive deeper and begin to invest my heart into their lives. It's easier to love "the least of these" when you realize that you are no better than any one of them. God has so generously blessed me and it is my privilege to try and bless another. When you invest in them, in return, God blesses you. It's a win win situation on most days!
Julie and I got the chance to hang out with one of the ladies...Latonya Renee Smothers. It's easier for me to talk to them with Julie because she seems to have more of the right words to say. Latonya cracked us up, threatened to "fork" us, and would only take the water bottles with the squeezy top. They are pretty picky, but you know, I probably would be too. Latonya grew up in DHR and now her 3 living children are all in the system too. I can't remember their crazy names but they all have Renee as their middle names and each one has a different "baby daddy." She's had a hard life and I can only call to mind and hope in Christ that his steadfast love will never cease for her. And when I don't ever have the right words to say...that he would speak to her through our touch, abounding in love because he first loved us.
Peaches...we need to go visit our friend! :)
Friday, July 11, 2008
Extraordinary
Interesting that, today, I found this. I wrote it a few months ago. Good to know that God uses my own writing to remind me of how much he loves me.
May 27, 2008
Living in a land of ordinaries is no home for me. It may sound trite or arrogant, but God has made me extraordinary. I know this because I have experienced his love for me. Over and over again he pours out his grace...sometimes I believe and receive. Other times I turn my back and walk away. But, always, there in the same place stands a God that believes I am extraordinary. He calls through the wind or a word or a song. And when I have ears to hear it is a soothing stream of water that washes over my dry soul. My soul longs for a distant land. One that is so unfamiliar yet it feels like home. My heart yearns for a fatherless people to share the depths of God’s faithfulness, love and grace. I am extraordinary because he has made me extraordinary.
Father, use me. I am yours. Here am I...send me. I know the pains and the hurts of this broken world. This world was never meant for ordinary fathers to leave extraordinary children. In your name let me be a light to the forgotten, a hope for the weary and love to the broken hearted. Here am I...send me.
May 27, 2008
Living in a land of ordinaries is no home for me. It may sound trite or arrogant, but God has made me extraordinary. I know this because I have experienced his love for me. Over and over again he pours out his grace...sometimes I believe and receive. Other times I turn my back and walk away. But, always, there in the same place stands a God that believes I am extraordinary. He calls through the wind or a word or a song. And when I have ears to hear it is a soothing stream of water that washes over my dry soul. My soul longs for a distant land. One that is so unfamiliar yet it feels like home. My heart yearns for a fatherless people to share the depths of God’s faithfulness, love and grace. I am extraordinary because he has made me extraordinary.
Father, use me. I am yours. Here am I...send me. I know the pains and the hurts of this broken world. This world was never meant for ordinary fathers to leave extraordinary children. In your name let me be a light to the forgotten, a hope for the weary and love to the broken hearted. Here am I...send me.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Possibly my longest blog yet...and I'll be surprised if you make it all the way through
"Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's...
"He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust." - Psalm 103:1-5, 10-14
"It is striking to me that in these words there is very little for humans to do towards God. This passage is about how God acts towards us. I am called to fear him, receive his grace towards me, and praise him for who he is. This is great news for me because I know my spiritual and moral weakness all too well. I know that left to my own strength and efforts at goodness I am an utter failure. On my own I do indeed dwell in the pit of my own iniquity and spiritual sickness.
Yet I have hope because God is proactive in his love. He does not wait until I am able to do better. He knows that I am dust, that I am weak. And so he takes the initiative. This Psalm (like all mention of God's redemption of humans) makes God the sole agent in what we would call salvation. He alone is the one who forgives. He alone heals and redeems. He crowns, satisfies, and renews. I am not able to earn or effect these things, I can only receive them from his hand. This is my cause for hope; that God, knowing how weak and corrupt my heart is, doesn't deal with me according to my heart but according to his. "
--from the blog of Travis Scott (Transpacificism)
What a great picture of how God views and loves us. Travis and his wife are going to be missionaries in Auckland, New Zealand later this year. I've been following their story every since he came and shared at OMPC during the missions conference. There are many times that I want to join them in their cause, but right now I cannot imagine making a 24 hour plane ride just to visit home. I mean...the flight itself from LA to Auckland is 18 hours. I had a hard time sitting still for the 2 eight hour flights home from Africa.
Again...I have been up for a while this morning. I fell asleep around 12:30 last night and up at 4. I did decide to not go to work today. I know it is probably a bad decision, but I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted right now that it's hard to function in a work environment. I know I'm just putting off the inevitable, but maybe these few hours off will help my brain. I'm not sure that I realized how hard this trip would be for me. I know that I am pretty sensitive when it comes to heart issues, but I just didn't know the magnitude of how I would be affected.
I'm getting a little more excited about sharing pictures and stories and being able to articulate the thoughts in my head. But, not being able to fully do that right now...I'll just share one of my journal entries from the trip.
July 5th--
Julie has given me note cards with a verse on them for each day of the trip...here is the VOD--"Great and amazing are your deeds, O Lord God the Almighty! Just and true are your ways, O King of the nations! Who will not fear, O Lord, and glorify your name? For you alone are holy. All nations will come and worship you, for your righteous acts have been revealed." Rev. 15:3-4
10 Things I will miss about this trip...
1. Being Peaches roommate and spending so much time with her
2. Having Rebecca next door and getting to hear her laugh
3. Walking out to breakfast and commenting on how beautiful the tree outside the door is
4. TL, logistics and sarcastic comments
5. Scott coming in our room every night marking off how many nights are left here at Lweza
6. Conversations and laughter in B29
7. Holding the children
8.The simplicity of life and faith
9. Riding on the bus, seeing the sights that put my life into perspective--while holding Daniel
10. Feeling the love of my God through the people
~I've loved rooming with Julie over this trip. I have laughed more in the past 10 days than I have in a very long time!
This morning one of our teammates is sick, so I volunteered to stay back and take care of her. I honestly was excited because I didn't have to sit through clinics one last day! I thought I might get a chance to update my blog but it is Saturday and the administration area of the camp is closed. So, this time has been good to just meditate over the past week, journal and thank God for this experience.~
~We got to go shopping in Kampala this afternoon. I guess the best way to describe the city life in Kampala is a 3rd world New York City. There are no lines on the streets to mark lanes. There are people EVERYWHERE. Taxi's and bota-bota's(motorbikes) rule the road. If you can find a spot for your vehicle to fit in to then you can go there. No rules...even working stoplights don't mean anything. The whole city is covered in garbage...a lot of it burning. I guess there's no garbage pick up on Tuesday's and Friday's here! :)
We shopped in two markets searching for items to take back to friends and family. I was having a hard time figuring out what I needed and how much I should be bartering for. It was super hot...we were all sweating like whoa...but one of the highlights of the trip for me. I think I got some pretty cool stuff. ~
~It was pretty hard coming back to Lweza and having to sit down to another meal. Another meal of rice with some sort of meat broth just wasn't very appealing. I didn't get much down. ~
~Julie and I had an early night. I think we have had so much fun talking, laughing and staying up late that tonight we were just tired and ready to be in bed. So, we were both tucked in our mosquito nets by 8:30. The whole week has been super emotional and tonight is no exception. But the emotion is different right now...the entire week my heart has been broken for the Ugandans. Tonight, it is broken because I have watched a father love on his daughter like I have longed for my father to love me my entire life. I have grown up with the Ramsay's so I know what a great and gentle father Bob has been to his 6 kids. This week I have had the opportunity to watch him demonstrate his love to Rebecca. I yearn for the relationship they have. But, I don't think I'll ever want that relationship with my dad. It's sad, but just a fact of life for me and he will never understand the reasons that I have not to love him. He wasn't there while I was growing up and now I don't need him. Harsh, but true. So, over the past two weeks it has been so refreshing to see that not all daughters feel the way I do. I'm sad that we will be going home and I won't get to watch that love anymore.
So, I will most likely fall asleep with tears flowing and heart aching. I so look forward to the day my heavenly father will hold me in his arms like I was meant to be.~
Possibly my longest post yet and I'll be surprised if you've made it through. It's really just a great way for me to release a lot of what is floating around in my head. Now it's 6:27 am. I think I'll go visit Whitney at Starbucks and actually finish the last day of my journal from Uganda.
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's...
"He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust." - Psalm 103:1-5, 10-14
"It is striking to me that in these words there is very little for humans to do towards God. This passage is about how God acts towards us. I am called to fear him, receive his grace towards me, and praise him for who he is. This is great news for me because I know my spiritual and moral weakness all too well. I know that left to my own strength and efforts at goodness I am an utter failure. On my own I do indeed dwell in the pit of my own iniquity and spiritual sickness.
Yet I have hope because God is proactive in his love. He does not wait until I am able to do better. He knows that I am dust, that I am weak. And so he takes the initiative. This Psalm (like all mention of God's redemption of humans) makes God the sole agent in what we would call salvation. He alone is the one who forgives. He alone heals and redeems. He crowns, satisfies, and renews. I am not able to earn or effect these things, I can only receive them from his hand. This is my cause for hope; that God, knowing how weak and corrupt my heart is, doesn't deal with me according to my heart but according to his. "
--from the blog of Travis Scott (Transpacificism)
What a great picture of how God views and loves us. Travis and his wife are going to be missionaries in Auckland, New Zealand later this year. I've been following their story every since he came and shared at OMPC during the missions conference. There are many times that I want to join them in their cause, but right now I cannot imagine making a 24 hour plane ride just to visit home. I mean...the flight itself from LA to Auckland is 18 hours. I had a hard time sitting still for the 2 eight hour flights home from Africa.
Again...I have been up for a while this morning. I fell asleep around 12:30 last night and up at 4. I did decide to not go to work today. I know it is probably a bad decision, but I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted right now that it's hard to function in a work environment. I know I'm just putting off the inevitable, but maybe these few hours off will help my brain. I'm not sure that I realized how hard this trip would be for me. I know that I am pretty sensitive when it comes to heart issues, but I just didn't know the magnitude of how I would be affected.
I'm getting a little more excited about sharing pictures and stories and being able to articulate the thoughts in my head. But, not being able to fully do that right now...I'll just share one of my journal entries from the trip.
July 5th--
Julie has given me note cards with a verse on them for each day of the trip...here is the VOD--"Great and amazing are your deeds, O Lord God the Almighty! Just and true are your ways, O King of the nations! Who will not fear, O Lord, and glorify your name? For you alone are holy. All nations will come and worship you, for your righteous acts have been revealed." Rev. 15:3-4
10 Things I will miss about this trip...
1. Being Peaches roommate and spending so much time with her
2. Having Rebecca next door and getting to hear her laugh
3. Walking out to breakfast and commenting on how beautiful the tree outside the door is
4. TL, logistics and sarcastic comments
5. Scott coming in our room every night marking off how many nights are left here at Lweza
6. Conversations and laughter in B29
7. Holding the children
8.The simplicity of life and faith
9. Riding on the bus, seeing the sights that put my life into perspective--while holding Daniel
10. Feeling the love of my God through the people
~I've loved rooming with Julie over this trip. I have laughed more in the past 10 days than I have in a very long time!
This morning one of our teammates is sick, so I volunteered to stay back and take care of her. I honestly was excited because I didn't have to sit through clinics one last day! I thought I might get a chance to update my blog but it is Saturday and the administration area of the camp is closed. So, this time has been good to just meditate over the past week, journal and thank God for this experience.~
~We got to go shopping in Kampala this afternoon. I guess the best way to describe the city life in Kampala is a 3rd world New York City. There are no lines on the streets to mark lanes. There are people EVERYWHERE. Taxi's and bota-bota's(motorbikes) rule the road. If you can find a spot for your vehicle to fit in to then you can go there. No rules...even working stoplights don't mean anything. The whole city is covered in garbage...a lot of it burning. I guess there's no garbage pick up on Tuesday's and Friday's here! :)
We shopped in two markets searching for items to take back to friends and family. I was having a hard time figuring out what I needed and how much I should be bartering for. It was super hot...we were all sweating like whoa...but one of the highlights of the trip for me. I think I got some pretty cool stuff. ~
~It was pretty hard coming back to Lweza and having to sit down to another meal. Another meal of rice with some sort of meat broth just wasn't very appealing. I didn't get much down. ~
~Julie and I had an early night. I think we have had so much fun talking, laughing and staying up late that tonight we were just tired and ready to be in bed. So, we were both tucked in our mosquito nets by 8:30. The whole week has been super emotional and tonight is no exception. But the emotion is different right now...the entire week my heart has been broken for the Ugandans. Tonight, it is broken because I have watched a father love on his daughter like I have longed for my father to love me my entire life. I have grown up with the Ramsay's so I know what a great and gentle father Bob has been to his 6 kids. This week I have had the opportunity to watch him demonstrate his love to Rebecca. I yearn for the relationship they have. But, I don't think I'll ever want that relationship with my dad. It's sad, but just a fact of life for me and he will never understand the reasons that I have not to love him. He wasn't there while I was growing up and now I don't need him. Harsh, but true. So, over the past two weeks it has been so refreshing to see that not all daughters feel the way I do. I'm sad that we will be going home and I won't get to watch that love anymore.
So, I will most likely fall asleep with tears flowing and heart aching. I so look forward to the day my heavenly father will hold me in his arms like I was meant to be.~
Possibly my longest post yet and I'll be surprised if you've made it through. It's really just a great way for me to release a lot of what is floating around in my head. Now it's 6:27 am. I think I'll go visit Whitney at Starbucks and actually finish the last day of my journal from Uganda.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Jet lag
I woke up at 3 this morning not being able to sleep. It's now 4:09. I need to get up and go to work, but I am NOT looking forward to it! Is it Sunday yet!?!
Yesterday was our first full day back from Uganda. I felt great when I woke up at 9 am and then about an hour later I hit a wall. I went and had coffee with a friend and told her a little about the trip. Then went to my mom's and sat with her for a bit. Whenever I started to say something...tears began to fill my eyes, so I had to stop talking.
Julie and I,both being exhausted and understanding what the other was going through, went to have lunch at Taziki's because we had been craving it so much over the past few days. Since the food in Uganda was not good...AT ALL...we couldn't eat much. I think our stomachs have shrunk! Our eyes are definitely bigger than our stomachs! Then we had mani's and pedi's to get rid of the ever present African dirt...nasty. So, it's good to be clean!
Okay...well, I could write more, but I'm stalling from getting up and going to work. It's good to be home. But, I miss Daniel in mine or Julie's lap and being able to watch him sleep. I want an African child!!!!
Now...back to reality. I guess I'm dealing with jet lag here. .. exhausted but can't sleep. ARG!
Yesterday was our first full day back from Uganda. I felt great when I woke up at 9 am and then about an hour later I hit a wall. I went and had coffee with a friend and told her a little about the trip. Then went to my mom's and sat with her for a bit. Whenever I started to say something...tears began to fill my eyes, so I had to stop talking.
Julie and I,both being exhausted and understanding what the other was going through, went to have lunch at Taziki's because we had been craving it so much over the past few days. Since the food in Uganda was not good...AT ALL...we couldn't eat much. I think our stomachs have shrunk! Our eyes are definitely bigger than our stomachs! Then we had mani's and pedi's to get rid of the ever present African dirt...nasty. So, it's good to be clean!
Okay...well, I could write more, but I'm stalling from getting up and going to work. It's good to be home. But, I miss Daniel in mine or Julie's lap and being able to watch him sleep. I want an African child!!!!
Now...back to reality. I guess I'm dealing with jet lag here. .. exhausted but can't sleep. ARG!
Monday, July 7, 2008
"I'm fine"
If you've never heard an African child answer "I'm fine" to the question of "how are you?" you have missed one of the greatest sounds in the world.
We got home from Uganda tonight...flew in about an hour ago. I have taken a shower and I'm lying in my bed trying to get my feet to unswell(don't think that's a word, but I'm using it). It is amazing to me that 30 hours ago Julie and I were lying on our beds in Africa waiting eagerly to go home. Now that I am home...I'm not sure what to think. And when I do think, tears fill my eyes...so, for now I'm going to bed. And as I do I am thinking of Daniel's sweet voice saying "I'm fine" to anything you ask him. Also, remembering the verse God showed Julie and I several times over the past 11 days...and I have now memorized...
"But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. The steadfast love of the Lord is never ceasing. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in him. The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
Lamentations 3:21-26
We got home from Uganda tonight...flew in about an hour ago. I have taken a shower and I'm lying in my bed trying to get my feet to unswell(don't think that's a word, but I'm using it). It is amazing to me that 30 hours ago Julie and I were lying on our beds in Africa waiting eagerly to go home. Now that I am home...I'm not sure what to think. And when I do think, tears fill my eyes...so, for now I'm going to bed. And as I do I am thinking of Daniel's sweet voice saying "I'm fine" to anything you ask him. Also, remembering the verse God showed Julie and I several times over the past 11 days...and I have now memorized...
"But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. The steadfast love of the Lord is never ceasing. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in him. The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
Lamentations 3:21-26
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
music
Somewhere along the road I forgot what music does for my soul. I LOVE to sing. I really wish that someday, somehow, I could be a recording artist. I know...it's a big dream. But, man, that would be amazing. It's my passion...and it's the only one I know of. When I was younger I wanted to be the girl in Caedmon's Call...ha ha. I thought she was super cool. It seemed that every concert she would wear overalls. I totally wanted to be her. Now, I think I just want to be me...but a singing me. Forget pastries!
Thinking about wanting to be people...I also wanted to be the little mermaid with gadgets and gizmo's of plenty...I know you are singing the song, don't lie. And I'm pretty sure you know all the words like me. And I really, really wanted to sing like Cosette in Les Miserables. Oh, the tragedy.
Thinking about wanting to be people...I also wanted to be the little mermaid with gadgets and gizmo's of plenty...I know you are singing the song, don't lie. And I'm pretty sure you know all the words like me. And I really, really wanted to sing like Cosette in Les Miserables. Oh, the tragedy.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
where freedom lies
This might explain a little about the title of my blog... I wrote this song on December 5th, 2007 on a dark night of the soul. I'm growing in the belief of the words.
where does my freedom lie today
in the waste of selfish things
they fill me up for a little while
then disappear on fleeting wings
where does my freedom lie tomorrow
in a field of blooming spring
the colors bright and dancing freely
it’s beauty I can only sing
for where is this taste of freedom
that holds me on this path
for where is this taste of freedom
beyond this grip of wrath
for where is this taste of freedom
am I strong enough to endure
for where is this taste of freedom
In lies Hosanna I’m sure
where does my freedom lie today
in the waste of selfish things
they fill me up for a little while
then disappear on fleeting wings
where does my freedom lie tomorrow
in a field of blooming spring
the colors bright and dancing freely
it’s beauty I can only sing
for where is this taste of freedom
that holds me on this path
for where is this taste of freedom
beyond this grip of wrath
for where is this taste of freedom
am I strong enough to endure
for where is this taste of freedom
In lies Hosanna I’m sure
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
midnight ramblings
It is very seldom that I have sleepless nights. And I'm not sure that I can officially consider tonight one of them yet since I've only been in bed for an hour. But, it will be a short night if I ever fall asleep...gotta love Bebo singing in my ear at 4:15 am. Even after taking a pain killer earlier this evening, I lie awake.
I was just thinking about Andre, a man I met last Friday at Lynn Park. I wonder how he is sleeping tonight under the 1st Avenue bridge. Can you imagine? And I also think about Alicia, the lady I met a few months ago holding her cardboard testimony in front of Office Max. She hasn't returned my phone calls, but I haven't stopped thinking about her, wishing that there was something I could do to help her homelessness. Sometimes I think my prayers are not enough. Surely there is something that I can do. But, then I have to stop and check my self because if God is the God of this universe then he has all the Andre's and Alicia's in his hand. And no matter how much we think that WE can make a difference in these peoples lives...it is truly Christ who moves mountains, our hearts and the lives of 'the least of these.'
2 years ago I began going to feed the homeless in 'tent city' in Las Vegas. What a site to see. Rows of make shift tents to shade themselves from the heat, the stench of dirty bodies mixed with alcohol and urine. In 110 degree heat...all I can say is wow. At this point I did not know my now very close friend Robin. I remember that she had driven her jeep down there one day. She had the back hatch open getting some supplies for the food. She was talking with a woman like she was her equal and with a love that I couldn't quite comprehend. She had a nice pair of shoes sitting back there. The woman admired the shoes and with out hesitation Robin gave them to her. "They are just shoes," she said. "And they didn't really fit anyway."
It was a few days ago that I realized how God has changed my compassion level for 'the least of these.' 2 years ago I sat watching as others gave what they had to the homeless...and I just served food, not wanting to get my feet wet. And last Friday, the first thing I wanted to do was go sit with them. Talk to them. Listen to their stories and hear how the lines came about on their faces. I'm beginning to realize what it means to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I no longer want to hide behind the food. I want to love them. Father, continue to break my heart and use me to touch 'the least of these.'
I was just thinking about Andre, a man I met last Friday at Lynn Park. I wonder how he is sleeping tonight under the 1st Avenue bridge. Can you imagine? And I also think about Alicia, the lady I met a few months ago holding her cardboard testimony in front of Office Max. She hasn't returned my phone calls, but I haven't stopped thinking about her, wishing that there was something I could do to help her homelessness. Sometimes I think my prayers are not enough. Surely there is something that I can do. But, then I have to stop and check my self because if God is the God of this universe then he has all the Andre's and Alicia's in his hand. And no matter how much we think that WE can make a difference in these peoples lives...it is truly Christ who moves mountains, our hearts and the lives of 'the least of these.'
2 years ago I began going to feed the homeless in 'tent city' in Las Vegas. What a site to see. Rows of make shift tents to shade themselves from the heat, the stench of dirty bodies mixed with alcohol and urine. In 110 degree heat...all I can say is wow. At this point I did not know my now very close friend Robin. I remember that she had driven her jeep down there one day. She had the back hatch open getting some supplies for the food. She was talking with a woman like she was her equal and with a love that I couldn't quite comprehend. She had a nice pair of shoes sitting back there. The woman admired the shoes and with out hesitation Robin gave them to her. "They are just shoes," she said. "And they didn't really fit anyway."
It was a few days ago that I realized how God has changed my compassion level for 'the least of these.' 2 years ago I sat watching as others gave what they had to the homeless...and I just served food, not wanting to get my feet wet. And last Friday, the first thing I wanted to do was go sit with them. Talk to them. Listen to their stories and hear how the lines came about on their faces. I'm beginning to realize what it means to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I no longer want to hide behind the food. I want to love them. Father, continue to break my heart and use me to touch 'the least of these.'
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Lessons from the crow
First of all...my parents guest bathroom shower is the most amazing place to sing!! Reign in Us never sounded so good! I bet God gets a kick out of that kind of stuff.
Today was interesting...not a whole lot, out of the ordinary, happened. I came to spend the night at my parents because I was feeling a little blue after counseling today. I usually have to process what goes on in counseling for about 24 hours afterwards. And, yes, counseling is my sanity! It's a love/hate relationship, but seeing how much God has brought me through in the past year with counseling is pretty amazing. Which brings me to what God clearly showed me the other day...and how I fully understand that today.
Lesson #1--I had gotten to dinner pretty early so I thought that I would read my Bible. I know, you're shocked...me too! But, I found myself fascinated with the complexity of life around me which taught me some very simple lessons. I was sitting outside and there was some food sitting on the table next to me about 10 feet from the trash can. There was a half smashed brown paper bag hanging from the trash can and it apparently still had some food in it. I was watching a crow go from the ground to the top of the trash can over and over and over again. It was trying to no avail to pull the contents of the bag out to snack on. Now, mind you, there is still a plate of food on the table next to me out for the taking. This crow insisted on trying to peck at the bag from the top of the can and from the railing and from every which way. The bag was not moving. So, after watching this for about 5 minutes the crow gave up and went on its way to scavenge something else.
Lesson #2--After watching the crow fly away in disdain, I noticed that across the parking lot there was a guy washing the windows at the Dairy Queen. He was so methodical in his motions that I couldn't help but watch. First, he would just kind of throw the soap on the window like he didn't care where it went. But, then, pulling from top to bottom he would take the squeegee and very slowly wipe the dirt and grime off of the glass.
Why, you ask, am I writing about crows and window washing!?! I realized the meaning today...
So often I don't see the perfectly good food sitting on the table because I am so busy trying to pull the shit out of the trash can. I forget that what God has for me is so immeasurably better than anything that I try to dig out myself. Also, while I look so intently at the trash can I forget that someone is watching me...wanting something so much more for me than the garbage of this world. And when the kid threw the soap on the windows I could just see that as my sin and my garbage thrown up in God's face...and without hesitation, he slowly wiped the dirt, filth, grime, jealousy, hate, lust, envy, bitterness, and selfishness(I'm quite sure I've left a few... or a few thousand off) away to reveal a clean, clear as day window for us to look through.
So, I wonder how many simple and beautiful lessons, through the complexity of His creation, I have missed because I have not been still and known that He is God.
Man, I haven't even touched what I really wanted to write about tonight, but again, sleep calls my name. I had so many interesting thoughts today and wish that on occasion I could record every thought that crosses my mind. Like I said...on occasion. I would be terrified if it could happen all the time!
Today was interesting...not a whole lot, out of the ordinary, happened. I came to spend the night at my parents because I was feeling a little blue after counseling today. I usually have to process what goes on in counseling for about 24 hours afterwards. And, yes, counseling is my sanity! It's a love/hate relationship, but seeing how much God has brought me through in the past year with counseling is pretty amazing. Which brings me to what God clearly showed me the other day...and how I fully understand that today.
Lesson #1--I had gotten to dinner pretty early so I thought that I would read my Bible. I know, you're shocked...me too! But, I found myself fascinated with the complexity of life around me which taught me some very simple lessons. I was sitting outside and there was some food sitting on the table next to me about 10 feet from the trash can. There was a half smashed brown paper bag hanging from the trash can and it apparently still had some food in it. I was watching a crow go from the ground to the top of the trash can over and over and over again. It was trying to no avail to pull the contents of the bag out to snack on. Now, mind you, there is still a plate of food on the table next to me out for the taking. This crow insisted on trying to peck at the bag from the top of the can and from the railing and from every which way. The bag was not moving. So, after watching this for about 5 minutes the crow gave up and went on its way to scavenge something else.
Lesson #2--After watching the crow fly away in disdain, I noticed that across the parking lot there was a guy washing the windows at the Dairy Queen. He was so methodical in his motions that I couldn't help but watch. First, he would just kind of throw the soap on the window like he didn't care where it went. But, then, pulling from top to bottom he would take the squeegee and very slowly wipe the dirt and grime off of the glass.
Why, you ask, am I writing about crows and window washing!?! I realized the meaning today...
So often I don't see the perfectly good food sitting on the table because I am so busy trying to pull the shit out of the trash can. I forget that what God has for me is so immeasurably better than anything that I try to dig out myself. Also, while I look so intently at the trash can I forget that someone is watching me...wanting something so much more for me than the garbage of this world. And when the kid threw the soap on the windows I could just see that as my sin and my garbage thrown up in God's face...and without hesitation, he slowly wiped the dirt, filth, grime, jealousy, hate, lust, envy, bitterness, and selfishness(I'm quite sure I've left a few... or a few thousand off) away to reveal a clean, clear as day window for us to look through.
So, I wonder how many simple and beautiful lessons, through the complexity of His creation, I have missed because I have not been still and known that He is God.
Man, I haven't even touched what I really wanted to write about tonight, but again, sleep calls my name. I had so many interesting thoughts today and wish that on occasion I could record every thought that crosses my mind. Like I said...on occasion. I would be terrified if it could happen all the time!
Friday, June 6, 2008
Cardboard testimonies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvDDc5RB6FQ
Our cardboard testimonies is where our freedom lies... it's as simple as that.
Our cardboard testimonies is where our freedom lies... it's as simple as that.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Under the Son
The past nine months have been drastically different from the first nine months after moving home from Las Vegas. A year and a half ago I came home to Birmingham, where I grew up, to find that I was not home at all. I was living in the house I grew up in, going to the church that I "belonged" to, and hanging out with friends, old and new. But, my heart was not here...I'm not sure that it was anywhere. I soon realized that coming back home meant coming back to issues that I left sitting on the coffee table with dusty covers and unopened pages. There in the open to see, yet passing by every day without even a glance.
I guess I would consider my time in Las Vegas a fertilizing stage. The soil was down, but I had just begun to soak into the depths of the earth and to take grasp of the roots that had been planted in me since my birth. Those two years were possibly my saving grace. God knew I needed a reprieve. The seeds were going to grow...it was just going to take a little time.
Last year the grass grew tall and the weeds needed to be pulled. But, through it all God remained my Abba, my Comforter, my Redeemer, my Restorer. I know that there are so many stories that I could sit here and write about to recall all that he has pulled me out of. But, I guess the best part is that I, weeping at his feet, lying under the Son, didn't even need to say a word and he forgave me. And still today, continues to forgive my wicked heart. I am humbled and love that He loves me.
"You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven--for she loved much.
Luke 7:46-47
I guess I would consider my time in Las Vegas a fertilizing stage. The soil was down, but I had just begun to soak into the depths of the earth and to take grasp of the roots that had been planted in me since my birth. Those two years were possibly my saving grace. God knew I needed a reprieve. The seeds were going to grow...it was just going to take a little time.
Last year the grass grew tall and the weeds needed to be pulled. But, through it all God remained my Abba, my Comforter, my Redeemer, my Restorer. I know that there are so many stories that I could sit here and write about to recall all that he has pulled me out of. But, I guess the best part is that I, weeping at his feet, lying under the Son, didn't even need to say a word and he forgave me. And still today, continues to forgive my wicked heart. I am humbled and love that He loves me.
"You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven--for she loved much.
Luke 7:46-47
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